At midnight last night — Or midnight today? Ow, my head hurts. — undeniably talented singer Mariah Carey appeared on the Home Shopping Network for two glorious hours to sell her designer clothes and jewelry. I am using the term “sell” in the loosest possible way, as Carey used the appearance to talk about her pregnancy (Did you know she has twins? She wants to tell you about what she went through to have twins.) and to point out certain things she doesn’t like about some of the items, which was a great endorsement. I am also using the words “designs” in the loosest possible way, because I didn’t see a single thing in this video that doesn’t look like Avon catalog jewelry and Target clothing.
But let’s not worry about the fashion shelf-life of these HSN items. What really matters is that Gawker Media’s Matt Cherette put together a four minute highlight reel of Carey’s visit to the show. I’ve now heard far too much about her pregnancy (Did you hear she had twins?), but she raised an important question, “Why are you not wearing diamonds from head to toe?” Yeah, why aren’t we wearing diamonds from head to toe? We really should be doing tha– oh, wait, no. Then we’d have no money for food and shelter, because we aren’t millionaires who have a room for our shoes that’s bigger than my first apartment, Mariah Carey.