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Ladies Are Now Artificially Inseminating Themselves At Starbucks, Apparently

By / 10.03.11

There are trend pieces, and then there are TREND PIECES. This post is about a TREND PIECE — perhaps the mother of them all.

So how messed up is the American economy right now? Well, according to the Daily Beast, many women desperate to have children but who are unable to afford the high cost of artificial insemination at sperm banks are turning to what the Beast euphemistically terms “non-traditional sperm donation” — non-traditional as in they insert the semen of sperm-donating men they find on their own on the internet through Craigslist, Yahoo Groups, etc. into their vaginas on their own, sometimes in public places.

Take for instance Beth Gardner and her wife, Nicole, who found a “30-something professional male” willing to offer his seed to them for free. So, after a “careful vetting” process that consisted of “a homemade questionnaire, interviews, reference checks, and STD tests,” Beth and Nicole met up with the potential father of their child at Starbucks to conceive a child in the bathroom, naturally.

At Starbucks, the donor ejaculated in the bathroom in private, exited, and handed the sperm-filled latex cup to Nicole, who in turn entered the bathroom and attached the cup to her cervix. As nature took its course, the three sat down for coffee together. “It wasn’t my highest moment,” says Beth.

So who are these dudes willing to jack off into little cups for free in public restrooms so that baby-craving ladies can get knocked up? Pervy weirdos, of course!

Many donors say they are motivated not by sex so much as a desire to spawn as many children as possible. “I actually have little interest in even a stone-cold fox if she isn’t going to get pregnant,” says Ray, a 38-year-old who declined to give his real name. Ray, who already had two kids with his wife and claims to have two more via one-night stands, started donating sperm in 2009. He prefers to donate the natural way, which he says has a higher chance of success than AI (it doesn’t), and he boasts of six births and six current pregnancies in attempts with about 40 different women. “I guess in some ways, helping lesbians, I am like an astronaut of inner space,” he says, “going where no man has gone before.”

One of the men who responded to Beth and Nicole, a married 29-year-old, said his IQ was in the 99.8th percentile (“note: results available”) and said he would like to “propagate my genes, and help support the society of tomorrow by combating dysgenic reproductive trends.” Translation: make babies as smart as he is. Down a few pegs on the pomposity scale, there’s “Mongol,” a 31-year-old Canadian who donates AI-style on both sides of the border. He arrives prepared, with a porn-loaded BlackBerry, headphones (to preserve the tranquillity of the moment), Hitachi-brand penis massager, and likes “the whole idea of having people out there related to you.”

Sounds totally like something Creed Bratton from The Office would be into, doesn’t it?

TAGSartificial inseminationcreed brattonSTARBUCKS

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