Fellas, Facebook Is Not The Place To Look For Marriage Proposal Advice

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08.24.11 2 Comments

Because how much a man loves a woman in the modern world is defined solely by how elaborately and creatively he proposes to her, some random dude named Santo is teaming with Esquire and Sprint — who are offering prizes for your suggestions — to try to come up with a creative way to pop the question to his lady, lest she be publicly shamed by the humiliation of not having a man willing to emasculate himself in front of family, friends and countless strangers in exchange for the privilege of having the state officially validate their coupling. So they’ve set up a Facebook page where anyone on Facebook can go and make suggestions on how Santo should propose to his girlfriend, so he can win her vagina for life, but only after he breaks himself financially on the costs of staging an antiquated social institution that dates back to medieval times.

“From day one Santos loved to make his girlfriend smile,” the page says. “Together we can now make sure she really has something to grin about.”

Awww, let’s take a look at a sampling of what the 200-something people who’ve chimed in so far had to say, shall we?

This one may be my favorite…

shave the proposal into your chest and/or back hair

This guy doesn’t like ladies all that much…

you just can’t ever do enough for HER can ya? why don’t you try finding one that doesn’t need all that constant upkeep.

This woman is still bitter about her ex-husband’s sh*tty proposal…

Don’t copy others overdone proposals. Take her to her childhood house, her favorite vacation spot, surprise her with a hike, and by all means, if possible, bring her family to see the proposal (even though I know others have done this), and have someone record the moment! My first husband (divorced now), didn’t get my hints, I wanted someone to propose to me overlooking the ocean in Alaska, where we lived, Instead, he woke me up at 6am and fixed me breakfast, boring!

This woman and her husband obviously the inspiration for SNL’s “The Lovers” skits

Some of the most luxurious and memorable times spent with my husband were in the bathtub. Sometimes there were bubble, or flower petals, or a drops of perfume. Other times we shared a small meal or some chocolate or a glass of champagne. What we *always* shared was eachother. There was no escaping that we were there to share our love and adoration for oneanother. We have been in bathtubs all over the world; small, large, wood, marble, but the best one is the one we come home to everyday. We’ve shared stories of joy and sadness, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried, all in our bathtubs. My idea would be for you to propose in a bathtub. Perhaps by presenting your lovely ring with a single rose, perhaps by floating it in a candle in the water. Whatever you do, I hope you have many special memories as I do. My husband and I now share over thirty years of “bathtub memories” together.

This guy is oblivious to the fact that he possesses the least creative mind on Earth…

The ocean is a great place to propose, take her for an evening walk on a beautiful beach, tell her no special occasion you just feel like taking a walk on the beach with her (have a really good restaurant prepare her favorite meal, complete with candles and Champagne on a blue satin blanket, her favorite music playing in the back ground) while your walking together you hear the music playing and see the flickering lights of the candles, act surprised yourself and suggest you both find out “what’s going on”, as you both approach this romantic feast, turn her to you, hold her hands, look into her eyes, tell her how much she means to you, how much you love her, get on one knee, open the box and pop the question, trust me, she will say “Yes” she may cry but it will be tears of absolute joy.

This guy is probably the worst open mic night comic ever…

Since you like to make her smile… Go to a comedy club with your girlfriend and do a surprising stand up and make jokes about how so many people make lame proposals. Then when she’s done laughing her ass off, propose to her pull out that huge diamond ring and she’ll have the biggest grin in the world!

This woman keeps her husband’s balls in a jar on a nightstand next to her stack of lady mags…

Do something fun, original and memorable. My husband STILL apologizes for the crappy way he proposed to me. He was drunk and dropped the ring, tripped over his own feet and just gabbed and gabbed without really making much sense except about the part where he asked me to marry him. Whenever we see some romantic proposal he turns to me and says, “I’m sorry!” Just don’t make that mistake!

This guy had to go there, of course…

dress up like john cusack in “say anything” and hold a boombox over your head outside her bedroom window!

This guy is the wisest of them all, I think…

My advice is to not take relationship advice from magazines.

And finally, I couldn’t pass up the chance to offer Santo some advice of my own…

(HT: Ally Millar)

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Brett has been a New York Times contributing writer, a national affairs reporter for Yahoo! News, and a writer/editor at Gawker Media. Brett has also written for Esquire, Yahoo! Sports, Deadspin, Complex, Gourmet, Hazlitt, Animal, Gambit, and Dealbreaker.

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