Oh man. The Hurricane Irene hysteria has kicked into high gear. It’s already reaching almost comical levels in NYC, and the cable news networks are just masturbating all over themselves while thrusting microphones into the faces of random people to get their utterly useless thoughts and opinions on it all. With that said, this monster is pretty impressive, as evidenced by the photo above taken from space by a NASA astronaut at the International Space Station.
Look, as someone who grew up and spent the majority of his life in Louisiana, I’ve lived though many hurricanes. So here’s my advice for people on the East Coast who may not be all that familiar with these things.
1. Only evacuate when it becomes abundantly clear that you absolutely have to, and if you do wait until the last possible minute if you plan to drive. Otherwise you’ll be stuck in traffic for hours and probably want to kill yourself. Conversely, resist the urge to rush back home. Again, traffic and suicidal thoughts. Also, if you live in a basement apartment, get the hell out.
2. If you decide to stay home, make it a party. Stock up on booze. Fill an ice chest with ice. Drink the f*ck up. Oh, and get plenty of canned foods and bottled water and some flashlights with batteries. Duh! However, don’t forget to make sure you have a manual can-opener because your fancy electric one will be useless if the power goes out.
3. Speaking of the power, keep all your electronic devices on their chargers so they’ll be fully charged if and when the power goes out.
4. If you evacuate, take your pets with you. Trust me, the anxiety not doing so will bring is the worst. It’s much worst than the hassle of taking them with you. Plus, you’ll be less inclined/forced to hurry back.
5. If the town you live in floods and you decide to go wade out in the flooded streets, watch out for snakes. And sharks.
Finally, here, via prolific meme-maker Matt T, is the only Hurricane Irene tracking chart you’ll ever need…