We could run down a list of the worst reviews that have been written about Fifty Shades of Grey this week – and there are quite a few to choose from – or simply reiterate how funny Lisa Wilkinson’s take on the adaptation of E.L. James’ erotic Twilight fan fiction was on Australia’s Today show. But that wouldn’t change the fact that Fifty Shades is already one of the biggest movies in terms of pre-sales and well on its way to being a monster at the box office this weekend. Both sequels have already been green-lighted and all the alleged bad chemistry between Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in the world couldn’t derail this first class train ride to blockbuster town.
Naturally, it’s not just James, Universal Pictures and Focus Features looking to make cash hand over whip from this beloved franchise. Sex toy manufacturers have obviously been pumping out all sorts of kinky party favors for fans of the series, and even hardware stores have been asking their employees to study up on the practices of amateur bondage enthusiasts. But no company can top the effort being put forth by luxury hotels across the country, as they’re inviting couples to spend the night while living out their wildest fantasies.
From Miami Beach to Seattle, the city that Christian Grey calls home, hotels are offering special packages inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. Some of them have been around for a few years, but others are brand new. Either way, if you’re looking for a last second location to live out your BDSM fantasies, here’s a rundown of some of the finer places to blow a ton of money…
Seattle’s Edgewater Hotel – The “No Grey Area” Package
Running through Feb. 28, this package has everything from a luxury rental car for touring the city to the helicopter ride that proves that Christian Grey is a billionaire. Rich people always fly in helicopters. It’s a total power move. The complete package includes:
One day use of an Audi R8 Spyder
Helicopter tour of Seattle
Kama Sutra book upon arrival
Aphrodisiacs appetizers from Six Seven
Lavish accommodations for two in a Waterfront Premium guestroom
Valet parking for one night
It’s that last one that really makes this a bargain, regardless of price (you have to call for that info). Seriously, hotel parking is a scam along the lines of student loans and Nigerian princes.
Seattle’s Hyatt Olive 8 – Grey Shades of Olive 8
If an Audi and helicopter ride are too rich for your tastes, or maybe if you’d just like to have a nice meal, check out the Space Needle, and get right to the freaky stuff, the Olive 8 Hyatt in Seattle has a more humble package that includes:
One appetizer at Urbane Restaurant accompanied by two signature cocktails inspired by the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy
One Chef’s Choice Welcome Amenity
A self-guided walking map of Seattle with landmarks from the trilogy
Valet Parking per night for one vehicle, per stay
Valet parking? I take it back. This one’s way fancier than the last one.
Seattle’s Hotel Maxwell – The Sweet Surrender
This particular hotel bills itself as the “sexiest in Seattle,” so that should be good enough to move the needle for any lovers on the fence about where they’d like to strap their wrists. And unlike the other Seattle locations, this one really wants you to get tied up in the best way possible, with this very erotic package:
Bottle of bubbly in room at checkin
Satin rose petals on bed at checkin
Gourmet chocolates from Seattle’s Oh Chocolate
Complimentary in-room movie
Adventurous Amenity Kit – Includes 10 ft. satin tie and blindfold, mini vibrating toy and feather and honey body dust
Based on the amenity kit, let’s just go ahead and assume that the complimentary movie is not Frozen or The Lego Movie, and far more likely the porn parodies of those.
Snoqualmie’s Salish Lodge – 50 Shades of Salish
About 40 minutes outside of Seattle, depending on the traffic, Snoqualmie’s Salish Lodge offers all of the erotic adventures with none of the city noise and lights. Nope, this place is all about rest, relaxation and really randy romps, according to this package’s details:
It features rose petals in the room, absinthe cocktails and a book called “Great Sex Weekend” by University of Washington sociology professor and romance expert Pepper Schwartz, who consults for the hotel. The packages are “selling very well,” said Erin Osborne, a spokeswoman for the company that runs the Salish Lodge, which is out by Snoqualmie Falls and doesn’t play a part in the books. (The Seattle Times)
“Great Sex Weekend,” eh? When that movie is adapted into a feature film, what book will the Salish Lodge leave in its room then? And after that? And after that? And after that? Start writing that sex book that you’ve been dreaming about, is what I’m trying to tell you kids.
Portland’s Heathman Hotel – Fifty Shades of Grey “Charlie Tango No Limits” Package
Billed as the “infamous haunt of main characters Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey,” the Heathman is the hotel of choice for Christian and Ana for many of their freaky-deaky escapades. That’s why when it comes to making sure that this specific package is an all-out affair of accuracy and seductive romance, the Heathman is showing very little… restraint.
Heathman bartender Kathy Casey has created the delicious “50 Shades” cocktail. This cocktail features gin, fresh tangerine, pomegranate juice, lemon, and fresh thyme; it is available in the bar and restaurant.
Our Inner Goddess Add-On package includes a chilled bottle of Boedecker Pinot Gris, shared by the main characters in the first novel, and a keepsake grey neck tie.
The $2,750 “Charlie Tango No Limits” package includes far more:Appetizers and white wine at the hotel restaurant for six people, a helicopter tour of the city, roses for the ladies in the party, dinner at the hotel and limo transfers to the helipad.
That’s a lot of coin to pretend that you’re the characters from a tale that was weaved in the fan forums of Twilight erotica. But some people don’t care about the money, which is why they might prefer…
Portland’s Heathman Hotel – Fifty Shades of Oregon VIP ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME Package
This six night/seven day vacation package is no joke, as the Heathman allows guests to write their “own chapter with a romantic trip through Oregon.” I don’t know about you, but the only Oregon trip I’ve ever taken ended with half of my crew dying from dysentery. However, this luxury trip takes you from “the urban hotspot of Portland,” so pack your handmade beard wax, to “to the majesty of Mt. Hood and through the wonder of Cannon Beach.” Seriously, this package is insane:
Overnight accomodations for two people in luxury landmarks steeped in history!*
Romantic private dinners for two at our award winning, locally inspired culinary destinations!
$500 personalized indulgent tax-free shopping experience in hip downtown Portland!
A beach bonfire and elegantly pampered services at the iconic Cannon Beach Stephanie Inn!
Champagne or Brandy toast at the 8,500′ point of Mt. Hood after an adventurous snowcat ride!
Luxury Town Car transportation from PDX to each location and back to PDX at the conclusion of the trip
Restorative breakfast and complimentary wine tastings to keep the momentum going…
What, no giant bag of cocaine to keep me awake for 168 hours? What a rip-off.