It’s another light week for fans of movie trailers and teasers, but sometimes that’s good news. This week’s movie trailers round-up features several potential nominees for the year-end Best Bad Movies list, because we’re dealing with a few of my favorite things, including rampaging action films with acting so bad that it couldn’t even come from WWE Studios and horror movies that are so damn cheesy that the killer might as well be a giant block of gouda. Oh, and there’s also a Jonas brother learning the hard way that being a homewrecker has consequences. What more could we ask for?
We’ve already seen Paul Rudd’s sweeter side in Netflix’s The Fundamentals of Caring trailer, so let’s switch gears and get ridiculous with the trailer for Vigilante Diaries, which is by far my pick for Trailer of the Week…
Vigilante Diaries
Starring: Paul Sloan, Rampage Jackson, Jason Mewes, Michael Madsen
Directed by: Christian Sesma
What’s it about?
The Vigilante Diaries is a high octane action-adventure film featuring 90’s movie heroes, explosive action, and international espionage. The film revolves around a team of black-ops agents turned crime-fighters, led by a brooding anti-hero, known only as “The Vigilante.” These jam-packed missions of rescue and revenge take us from the mega-mansions and underbelly of Los Angeles to far away places like Iraq, Armenia, Russia, and The United Kingdom to introduce us to a cast of colorful, dangerous, and hilarious characters. From Beverly Hills filmmaker Mike Hanover, to a trio of Asian femme fatales, to ruthless Armenian mobsters, and at the top, a pair of deep cover super spies hell bent on throwing the world into chaos. [IMDb]
As I’m watching this I’m thinking, “This is basically action movie porn,” and then BAM! What appears to be an orgy breaks out. Maybe it’s a porn porn. Or a porn/action movie/porn. Whatever, it looks insanely dumb and violent, so I’m all for it. I don’t expect it to be John Wick or even Everly, but if we don’t embrace mindlessly violent action films, then we are doomed to miss them when they’re gone. Vigilante Diaries blows up (presumably On Demand) on June 24.
Wiener-Dog
Starring: Charlie Tahan, Greta Gerwig, Zosia Mamet, Danny DeVito
Directed by: Todd Solondz
What’s it about?
Chronicles the life of a dog as it travels around the country, spreading comfort and joy. [IMDb]
Who’s a good, widdle movie about a wiener dog? You are! Yes you are! There should not only be more movies made about dogs, but they should show exclusively in movie theaters that welcome dogs and have doggy ticket-takers that wag their tails in the direction of your film. That would be a good movie-going experience, although I assume everything would smell like pee and I’d be skeptical of the liquid butter. Wiener-Dog buries a bone behind the big screen on June 24.
Marauders
Starring: Bruce Willis, Dave Bautista, Christopher Meloni, Adrian Grenier
Directed by: Steven C. Miller
What’s it about?
An untraceable group of elite bank robbers is chased by a suicidal FBI Agent who uncovers a deeper purpose behind the robbery-homicides. [IMDb]
Normally I’d poke fun at Bruce Willis for the “Anything for a Paycheck” period of his career, but let’s talk about an FBI task force that is led by Chris Meloni and features Dave Bautista and Adrian Grenier. Is this an idea from an episode of Entourage? Seriously, I never watched the show so I’m asking sincerely. Otherwise, can this be a franchise? The three of them go around solving various federal crime mysteries. It would be amazing. Marauders takes from your wallets and gives to your poor eyes on July 1.
Satanic
Starring: Sara Hyland, Clara Mamet, Marc Barnes
Directed by: Jeffrey Hunt
What’s it about?
Four friends on their way to Coachella stop off in Los Angeles to tour true-crime occult sites, only to encounter a mysterious young runaway who puts them on a terrifying path to ultimate horror. [IMDb]
I’m surprised there haven’t already been 100 horror movies that focus on a group of trendy beautiful friends heading to Coachella. Seems like that would be a good setup for a From Dusk Till Dawn knockoff, like four friends are on their way to Coachella in an RV, when they stop at a park the night before and have to fend off millennial vampires until the sun comes up so they can make it in time to see Miley Cyrus air-humping a 100-foot tall statue of her dog. Cyrus would play herself and the statue of her dog, obviously. Anyway, Satanic is certainly a movie that exists and it will try to scare people on July 1.
Sickhouse
Starring: Andrea Russett, Sean O’Donnell
Directed by: Hannah Macpherson
What’s it about?
A group of social media obsessed friends that journey into the woods to explore the lore of Sickhouse, viewers are led on a ride that has unexpected consequences for all involved, including the audience. Written and directed by award-winning filmmaker Hannah Macpherson, Sickhouse was originally shot over five days; the journey of the main characters occurred in real time, blurring the lines of truth and fiction. The “made for mobile” Director’s Cut includes substantial additional footage. [YouTube]
This isn’t the first film to use social media as a horror device and it certainly won’t be the last. The found footage genre has a new chapter, though, as Sickhouse is filmed entirely using Snapchat, which is a pretty cool idea. I’m hip. I get stuff. Hey cool kids, make sure to use the raddest filters when filming your trips to the scary houses, okay? Right on. Sickhouse is available now on Vimeo in its director’s cut format, which means even more filters, I think.
Careful What You Wish For
Starring: Isabel Lucas, Dermot Mulroney, Nick Jonas
Directed by: Elizabeth Allen
What’s it about?
A guy gets more than he bargained for after entering into an affair with the wife of an investment banker. Soon, a suspicious death and substantial life insurance policy embroil him in a scandal. [IMDb]
Oh Nick Jonas, with your boyish good looks and rippling man muscles, when will you learn to leave the married women alone? This movie is filling the Boy Next Door-sized hole in my heart, although nothing is going to replace that beautiful scene of a car engine crushing the crazy dude to death. That was art, and Nick Jonas just isn’t at that level yet. Careful releases on June 10.
