You know that thing where you come across a news story and it blows your mind for a second until you stop to really think about it? Like, you’ll see a headline pop up on Twitter or Facebook and you’ll be all “HOLY HECK” but after you let it sink in you start thinking, “Yeah, I guess that makes enough sense.” That happened to me this week when I saw that Nicolas Cage’s face is being used to sell snack food in Japan. On one hand, it’s a lot to process in one wave of information. But on the other hand, of course Nicolas Cage’s face is being used to sell snack food in Japan. The bigger shock here is probably that it took us this long to get to this point. “Nicolas Cage’s face is being used to sell snack food in Japan” feels like a very 2012/2013 news story, in many ways.
But that’s not the point. The point is that these exist…
… and there are a few logical questions that need to be asked about the whole thing. So let’s do that. Let’s ask a few very logical, reasonable questions.
1. What in the dang hell?
Excellent start. The short answer is that these are a popular Japanese snack food called Umaibo puffed corn sticks that have been emblazoned with Nicolas Cage’s face. On the packaging, I mean. His face isn’t actually on the food part. As far as we know. I guess it could be, considering our only visual evidence here is the wrapper. Man, how weird would that be? You rip open the wrapper of an inexpensive corn chowder flavored snack stick — oh, did I not mention that these snack sticks retail for about $0.10 American and are flavored like corn chowder — and boom, the stick has been molded into a mostly accurate artistic rendering of Nicolas Cage’s head.
I would stare at it thoughtfully for about five seconds and then say “We’re going to take his… face… off” before I chomped the entire top half in one bite. I’m suddenly livid that I can’t do this right now. Freaking self-driving cars thisclose to being fully operational and there’s still no American Nic Cage food sticks that I can eat while quoting a movie about him and John Travolta switching faces. Some country.