Porn is a young person’s game (that is unless you enjoy geriatrics grinding atop of one another, which is a conversation you should have with your counselor). There are only so many times your respective pole or hole can get buffed, smacked, or poked for the enjoyment of others before you begin to weigh less strenuous career options.
For many adult entertainers, there comes a time to move on from such a vapid, superficial and emotionless trade. And what better place to utilize years of experience in such a soulless, shameless business than the mecca for all anemic soul-reavers: Hollywood!
But, beware ye’ who choose to bang for a buck. Daniel Day Lewis may win an Academy Award every time he farts in the direction of a 16mm camera, but the life of a thespian is not so easy. Case in point: these seven porn stars who fell a bit short in their acting endeavors…
Chasey Lain
After starting off the ’90s with such gems like Busty Biker Babes, and New Wave Hookers 4, Chasey Lain — born Tiffany Anne Jones — decided to give traditional cinema a try. Her first attempt was playing a role credited as “Party Babe” in the godawful Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.
That film is probably best known for a scene in which a demonic Billy Zane unleashes his demon penis which resembles a lasso made of fire. Lain, for her credit, did get one more shot at stardom in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, but that was the end of the Hollywood road (except for a brief cameo in Orgazmo). She won an AVN Award in 2003, and her last credited role was Reality MILF’s in 2010.
Marilyn Chambers
If you can believe it, Chambers actually got her start back in 1970 in The Owl and the Pussycat with Barbara Streisand. But, sensing that her acting skills were better suited for porn, she embarked on a successful cinematic sex career with titles like Angel of H.E.A.T. and Private Fantasies 3.
She did however take a short break, in 1977, to star in “body horror” maestro David Cronenberg’s Rabid (her character appropriately has an anus inside her armpit…not kidding). Her last film, Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie, features real dogs having real sex and is billed as a pornographic comedy. Coincidentally, Chambers died the same year it was released probably because her brain exploded when she realized she just made a film called Porndogs.
Ginger Lynn
With 154 credits on her resume, Lynn became quite the prolific porn vixen when her career started in 1984 with Too Good to Be True along side master c*cksman Peter North. Lynn got her “big break,” though, when she scored a part in the crappy neo-western Young Guns II.
After having a bit part in a few episodes of NYPD Blue, Ginger Lynn almost scored the Sharon Stone role in Casino until it was realized that film actually required talent. Her next, and last, major project was Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects. After that, she moseyed on back to the porn industry last starring in 2011’s Sex Starved MILFs 2.
Traci Lords
Although she never really even got close to being a reputable Hollywood star, Traci Lords may hold the distinction of getting just about as close as you can to being a working actor in Hollywood after getting railed for a living. Despite banging away on camera for the better part of the 80s, Lords was cast in John Waters’ cult classic Cry-Baby alongside Johnny Depp.
Lords would flounder in bad B-movies and semi-popular TV shows for the better part of the 90s but then scored a small role in 1998’s Blade and another John Waters’ cult film, Serial Mom. That would be the height of quality for Lords’ career. She’s set to next appear in Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre which is probably just as terrible as it sounds.
James Deen
While porn has a long history of playing off of Hollywood names and film titles (i.e. Beverly Hills Copulator), naming yourself after a late, great silver screen icon probably borders on blasphemy. But, then again, honor and integrity were never quite inherent to pornography. James Deen is only 28, but he already has over 1000 (!) porn credits to his name making him the Stephen King of slinging ding.
In what can only be construed a severe lack of foresight and judgement, writer-director Paul Schrader, who wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull for Christ sakes, decided it would be a good idea to have Deen play the lead in 2013’s The Canyons. To make things even worse, resident drunkard Lindsay Lohan played the female lead. It goes without saying that the film bombed, and Deen has since returned to his profession of choice, most recently starring in the critically praised My Brother Has a Big D*ck 2.
Sasha Grey
Steven Soderbergh, for one reason or another, has an affinity for casting actresses that just can’t act (see Haywire starring the expressionless Gina Carano…or better yet don’t see it). The Girlfriend Experience, released in 2009 shortly after Grey’s masterful performance in A** Eaters Unanimous 19, stars Grey as a call girl in New York engaging in conversations with men who just want to bang her.
It’s a trite piece of garbage, but for some reason, Grey seems to still be finding some work in the land of the stars having landed roles in Entourage, and the upcoming Open Windows with Elijah Wood. Grey, ever the virtuoso, still finds time to dabble in on-camera ugly-bumpings like 2012’s Anal Artists which probably has less to do with art and more to do with butt stuff.
Ron Jeremy
Arguably the “King of Porn”, the mustachioed man-junk slinger with the paunch debuted his well-endowed wang way back in 1977 and continues to work in the industry today. As easily the most recognizable face in pornography, Jeremy has also made a few attempts to segue his fame into roles in Hollywood. Although he was able to score bit parts in mainstream fare like 54, Reindeer Games, and Bruce Almighty, Jeremy’s biggest coup was scoring a role in the taut 1998 Robert DeNiro thriller Ronin.
Featuring one of the great car chase scenes in cinema and one of DeNiro’s last great performances, Ronin remains a fantastic flick that holds up well. Unfortunately, in nary one scene will you be able to see porn’s greatest star: all of Jeremy’s scenes were cut from the final product. It’s probably for the better though, as although Jeremy has a lengthy resume, being a great character actor is not one of his assets. But, fear not, you can still catch Jeremy in Werewolves in Heat next year, which is sure to nab an Oscar nom.
