A hilarious, high-stakes farce that takes place at the height of The Cold War, the John Landis-directed Spies Like Us was released 30 years ago Sunday. The movie follows two going-nowhere government employees, Austin Millbarge (Dan Aykroyd, who co-wrote the script), an under-appreciated codebreaker, and Emmett Fitz-Hume (Chevy Chase), a pencil-pushing diplomat, who, after some last-minute training, are chosen for a dangerous mission behind enemy lines. While it turns out that they were only being used as decoys, the two rise to the challenge, utilizing their combined smarts (Millbarge) and suaveness (Fitz-Hume) to get the best of their enemies. In the end, they not only save the day, but they stop the complete destruction of life on Earth while they’re at it.
A loving homage to the Road To… movies starring Bob Hope and Bing Crosby from the 1940s through the 1960s, Spies Like Us had exotic locations and tremendous comedic chemistry between the two leads who, of course, had worked together on Saturday Night Live. This is also a film with some incredibly repeatable dialogue, including the following 10 quotes that are perfect for when you find yourself in a jam and you feel like you’ve gotta be a reluctant hero.
“These guys had swords. What were we supposed to do?” – Fitz-Hume
Suddenly immersed in their first combat situation and surrounded by ninjas, Fitz-Hume (ever the diplomat) offers to bring back the sun before presenting a picture of his sister, who he promises is “very good.” Millbarge, meanwhile, simply threatens them with a tree branch until Col. Rhumbus (Bernie Casey) shows up and demonstrates how to handle such a situation. The lesson here is don’t be afraid to ask questions early on. There’ll be plenty more to be afraid of soon enough.
“We mock what we don’t understand.” – Millbarge
So, you’re in over your head and stuck in a situation where you have to, say, pose as a surgeon (Doctor, Doctor…) in a makeshift Operating Room out in the middle of the desert. Or maybe you just have to pick out a nice bottle of wine on your way to the party. Either way, when someone starts to suspect you don’t know what you’re doing, the key here is confidence. That and this line, which should help keep those detractors at bay.
“Why do you keep hitting me? He’s gonna cut my fingers off!” – Fitz-Hume
Sure, things may look bad. Maybe not as bad as being captured behind enemy lines, held captive, and tortured under the promise of more torture, but still bad. In that case, if you’re going to attempt Fitz-Hume’s… unique take on hostage negotiations, it couldn’t hurt to have Chevy Chase’s sense of comedic timing as well. Delivery is everything in a situation like this.
“You know, I must really like you because I don’t like horses and I hate guns!” – Millbarge
Sometimes doing to the right thing means doing things that you hate. Millbarge comes back to valiantly rescue Fitz-Hume on horseback, only to then take part in the resulting gunfight with the Russian Highway Patrol. Despite his opposition to both horses and guns, he proves exactly what being a reluctant hero means.
“What’s this?” – Fitz-Hume
“YOU DON’T WANT IT!” – Millbarge
This is just an important life lesson all around — when life throws a grenade at you, don’t hesitate to throw it back. Just remember to do it quickly and make sure it lands in a box of other grenades. This is very specific advice, suddenly.
“We are here today to guarantee the personal freedom of every American. And we should never forget the words of President John F. Kennedy who said ‘ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country!'” – Agent Boyer
Sometimes you need a little reminder of why you constantly try to do what’s right. When you throw in an inspirational quote from President Kennedy, it’s best to take a deep breath and say this line with pride, like Agent Boyer (Donna Dixon) did. Once you rally the Millbarge and Fitz-Hume in yourself, you’ll be capable of almost anything.
“Wanna go out with a bang?” – Fitz-Hume
So, maybe you gave it your all, and it’s still looking like things might not turn out so well. While it’s probably not as bad as the government’s secret drive-in/laser weapon missing its mark, taking out the MTV satellite, and dooming all of civilization in the process (cause of the absence of Nina Blackwood, if nothing else), this remains a reasonable proposal when all hope seems lost.
“Hard to believe it’s been 15 minutes since I destroyed the world.” – Millbarge
Think of this moment as your own personal ‘standing eight count.’ You’ve come to terms with the fact that things look bad, and you’re about ready to call the fight, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you have your moment of insight. With Millbarge, it was mentioning his guidance counselor, which led to him formulating a plan that guides the missile away from Earth, saving it from annihilation. With you, it could mean anything. It’s just important to be ready for it when it comes.
“We did it! Can I borrow your tent?” – Fitz-Hume
Now that the crisis has been averted, it’s time to kick back and celebrate. But before you and your opponent sit down to discuss the terms of surrender over a game of Trivial Pursuit-by-way-of-Risk, why not make the most of it? After all, you managed to find your inner reluctant hero and beat the odds. You deserve this. Here is your reward.
