The Suicide Scrubs: The Most Ridiculous Members Of The ‘Suicide Squad’

When you’re assembling black ops squads out of supervillains, sometimes you get deadly assassins and vicious killers. And sometimes, well, you just take what you can get. Here are some former members of the Suicide Squad that we suspect Amanda Waller won’t be sending on a mission anytime soon.

The Weasel

First of all, yes, this is a grown man running around in a weasel costume. He does not have any sort of weasel-related superpowers or anything, he is just a guy who looks kinda rat-faced and is angry people made fun of him in college. Which is weird because he’s an Olympic-level gymnast and a college professor, so if anybody could overcome his looks, it’s this guy.

Which brings us to our second point: He’s an Olympic-level gymnast and a college professor. OK, not tenured, which is why he becomes a supervillain in the first place, but so what? That is an incredibly high level of human achievement! Wouldn’t that be enough to get over being bullied in physics class?

The Javelin

Speaking of Olympic-level athletes, the Javelin is, well, a javelin expert who turns to a life of spear-related crime when the shoe endorsements dry up and he tries to fight Green Lantern. For those unfamiliar, Green Lantern owns advanced alien technology powered by feelings. The Javelin tried to take that on with his collection of pointy sticks, and unsurprisingly lost. He doesn’t even get to join the real Suicide Squad, but rather a fake one, and gets run over by a panicking soldier as his team attacks a military base.

Silent Majority

This guy, the triplets in the back there, is a member of an obscure squad of “heroes” fighting “subversive elements” in American society called “The Force Of July.” Go ahead: Guess what his gimmick is. Aside from not saying much, he can also make endless copies of himself, which means he’s constantly confused with other Squad members Multiplex and Multi-Man. We bet that Captain Boomerang calls him “Multiplex” just to see if he can provoke Silent Majority into saying something.

Blackguard

One of a legion of goons in power armor, the Blackguard stands out for one reason, and one reason only: His name is Richard Hertz. What a missed opportunity. If you’re just going to run around in power armor and get your ass kicked by Booster Gold, you might as well own up to being Dick Hertz. Beat up Codpiece and take his stuff, and fly around as Dick Hertz, Supervillain For Hire.

Big Sir

Big Sir is probably secretly the most tragic villain in the DCU. Due to a birth defect, he grew to enormous size while retaining the intellect of a child and got stuffed into a set of battle armor by supervillains mostly as a bullet sponge. And if that weren’t enough, his birth name is “Dufus.” Which beats Dick Hertz, we guess, but not by much.

The Writer

A supervillain with the ability to dictate events around him by writing comic-book scripts on his computer, the Writer sounds like a weird character until you realize he’s a walking in-joke: He shares a name with popular, and eccentric, comic-book writer Grant Morrison, who had a penchant at the time for writing himself into the comics he created. Whether Morrison dresses like a mime and engages on top-secret black ops missions remains an open question, but we’d buy it.

The Persuader

Granted, that is an awesome name for a supervillain. He sounds like somebody who uses mind control, or maybe he has a preternatural skill at talking people into doing stuff. Instead he’s just some dude with a really sharp axe who started a riot once. Which you’d think he’d just give to the Lumberjack, because come on, at least that fits the Lumberjack’s gimmick. Even Crowbar at least, you know, had a crowbar.

Virtuoso

DC has a tendency toward “legacy” characters. Heroes and villains get old, or get injured, or just get sick of the grind, and pass the mantle onto the next generation. Normally this is something fraught with emotion. Virtuoso, on the other hand, was confronted with a grown man who tried to fight the Flash with a magic violin, and did not just sell that violin on eBay. Long term, really, in the DCU, selling Grandpa’s supervillain toys on the internet is a smarter strategy than trying to use them. Batman is probably a 100% positive buyer.

There is one upside to this collection of scrubs. At least most of them manage to survive their missions. Of course, that means they wind up in articles like this one constantly. Whether that’s a fate worse than death is something we’ll leave to the reader to decide.

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