Let’s face it — going to Mars, as exciting as it sounds, is probably a bad idea. Sure, there’s apparently water on it. And we’ll probably eventually colonize it. However, it’s also 34 million miles from Earth, it has really no atmosphere to speak of, and everything on it will probably try to kill you. The air is mostly carbon dioxide and the lack of a magnetic field around the planet means that you’re pretty much exposed to radiation all the time.
Seriously, why does Neil deGrasse Tyson want us to go there?
However, Mars has more lessons to teach us than just “don’t go there.” Or, more to our point, Hollywood had plenty of lessons to teach — either about Mars or, at the very least, using Mars as a basis for said lessons. So — as Hollywood gives us Ridley Scott’s The Martian this weekend — let’s take a look at the numerous films about the red planet and what they can teach us.
Oh, and just a heads up — there be spoilers ahead.
Mars Attacks! – “Don’t trust aliens”
In this underrated Tim Burton flick, based on a series of trading cards from the 1950s, Martians arrive on Earth under the pretense of peace. But, they’re totally not peaceful. Instead, if they show up, they’ll show up to kill us all. So, remember: if it turns out that Martians exist, and then end up on Earth, just go ahead and shoot them.
And it wouldn’t hurt to have Jim Brown and Tom Jones on your side, either.
Mission To Mars – “Science has been lying to you!”
In the Brian De Palma sci-fi film Mission To Mars, astronauts head to the red planet on a rescue mission — a previous mission ended in disaster following a sudden and mysterious sandstorm. That… sounds familiar. Anyway, once there, the planetary explorers discover that there was life on Mars — life that eventually made its way to Earth. So, remember kids — we didn’t evolve from Apes. We evolved from Martians.
John Carpenter’s Ghosts Of Mars – “If you’re going to Mars, bring Snake Plissken with you.”
In 1996, John Carpenter directed Escape From L.A. — a sequel to 1981’s Escape From New York that was intended to start a new franchise featuring Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken. Escape From L.A. didn’t do nearly as well as either Carpenter or the studio expected, though, and plans for further Snake Plissken films were scrapped. However, Carpenter had planned ahead, working on a script that would have sent Snake to Mars. Not wanting to waste what was, in his mind, a good idea, Carpenter turned Escape From Mars into Ghosts of Mars. Kurt Russell would be replaced by Ice Cube and, well, the film didn’t do very well at the box office, either. Also, nearly all the characters in the movie died by the end. If only they brought Snake with them.
John Carter – “Mars turns you into a superhero”
It took forever — forever — for Edgar Rice Burroughs’ A Princess of Mars to make it to the big screen. And when it did, it was awesome and none of you saw it and shame on you. Anyway, Civil War veteran-with-nothing-to-lose John Carter stumbles across an artifact in a cave that transports him to Mars. Once he’s there, he discovers that he has increased strength and leaping ability. This, in turn, plunges him neck deep into another civil war, this time on the planet the natives call “Barsoom.”
So, basically, it’s a backward Superman tale.
War of the Worlds – “Don’t wash your hands. Ever.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about the H.G. Wells novel, the classic 1953 film or the not-so-classic-but-still-pretty-good 2005 remake by Steven Spielberg — they all end the same way. Martian invaders come to Earth, blow up nearly everything, and then they all die from all the bacteria and viruses on the planet. That’s right — the Martians developed warships that can conquer planets, but they forgot to invent Purell. Good job, aliens.
Total Recall – “Vacations are overrated”
Our third film about Mars based on a novel (this time it’s the Phillip K. Dick novel “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”), we derive a lesson from 1990s Total Recall. In both the novel and the film, Douglas Quaid wants to visit Mars — but his meager salary means the trip is prohibitively expensive. So, instead, he books a session at Rekall, a service that can implant memories of visiting the planet in his mind. However, things go wrong and he ends up on Mars anyway, fighting criminals and learning more about himself than he probably wanted to. If NASA’s budget can’t handle a manned mission to Mars, maybe some of their resident whiz kids can whip up a Rekall like machine and we can pretend. Seems much safer… well, sorta.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians – “Cranky children will doom your society”
The children of Mars are depressed! What to do? Send them to therapy? Prescribe them a regiment of anti-depressants and ADHD medication? Send them to summer camp? Of course not, dummy. You go to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus. Duh. And that’s exactly what the leaders of the Martian people do, and — like John Carter above — nearly cause a civil war. Of course, this was a 1964 B-movie so by “civil war,” we basically just mean ” wacky hi-jinks.”
Mars Needs Women – “Mars is basically a total sausage fest”
Three years after it seemed that Mars was in dire need of Santa Claus, we discovered what the Red Planet really needed – ladies. The Martians have developed a problem in their genetic code and now every child born on Mars is male. In order to combat this, a team of Martian astronauts (Martronauts? I dunno) head to Earth to kidnap some ladies before the species dies out. Spoiler alert: Mars still needs women.
