This Week In Posters: Kristen Wiig Is Unrecognizable In The New ‘Zoolander 2’ Poster

Lots of posters to get through this week, folks. I apologize for starting with The Road Chip, but thems just the breaks of alphabetization. Now then. What is that town reflected in the sunglasses? Is it Vegas? That would make sense with the sequined dress. (Is that a lady chimpmunk? Are they in this too?) Can’t be Vegas though because there aren’t mountains that close in Vegas (and I assume the makers of this animated film about singing chipmunks are sticklers for realism).

The IMDb says the plot involves the chipmunks heading to Miami (spoiler alert?), but ditto about mountains. I’ll give the poster this: It made me look up a Chipmunks movie on IMDb, which is a feat all its own. Also, the big sunglasses hide the chipmunks’ most off-putting feature, their massive, glassy, sociopathic eyes. (Think about it, Andrea Kremer.) So, great job, Mr. Road Chip poster designer.

These vignettes are a little too small to tell what anyone’s doing. I’m getting a sense of “the lives of four strangers become interconnected in surprising ways.” Which, by the way, is one of the all-time worst ways to sell a movie. That said, Tim Blake Nelson looks like he’s about to sassily give this three finger snaps in the shape of a Z, which interests me.

I still have no idea what the plot of an Angry Birds movie is going to be, but damned if the character design doesn’t make me smile. I’d watch a Tetris movie if you gave one of the characters giant eyebrows bigger than his face.

Anomalisa is a really hard movie to sell without ruining. I don’t know if this quite cuts it, but I’m not sure what the solution is. There is a scene with full-frontal stop-motion doll nudity that’s pretty incredible. Has anyone ever done a full-frontal doll nudity poster? That would be useful here. Something about the sight of a realistic-ish doll with a flaccid, average-sized dick is hilarious in and of itself. A flaccid, average-sized dick might be the most inherently comedic body part.

Hold up, this dude in his underpants with a toddler’s haircut is going to choke out snakes? Count me in!

I know this makes me super basic, and I realize that this is essentially the same plot as Delta Farce, Central Intelligence, and whatever that one with Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins was, but just Sacha Baron Cohen’s goofy face and pot belly made me chuckle a little when I saw this. I’m not proud of it. Also, the fact that Rebel Wilson gets her name on the poster but not Gabourey Sidibe is straight up racist. (Trailer here).

Here is the first of a series of character posters from How to Be Single. This one stars Alison Brie texting… while auditioning for a Pantene commercial? Or maybe she’s taking a selfie in a light-wind environment? Anyway, I don’t what exactly she’s doing, but I get the sense that these posters are going to feature the actresses embodying different methods of being single. Let’s continue…

So another way to be single is, uh… wear funky sunglasses and a boxy dress? Uhh… have lots of rings? Jesus, I really hope Dakota Johnson isn’t playing “the kooky one.”

You know, I’m starting to think these aren’t ways to be single, but that the studio’s instructions to the poster designer were so contradictory, obnoxious, and/or vague that the designer came up with these as retribution. I think that’s it: this is a “f*ck you” poster. I mean look at that gradient tool background and tell me it’s not passive aggressive.

Also, I love the cheeky expression and fun wine glass. More like How to be Basic, am I right? (Did I just learn “basic” this week? No, but I can see how you might think that.)

Oh Mother of God. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a still image that could be described as “grating” before. And yet here we are. This is a very grating still image. And it doesn’t even look like Rebel Wilson. Maybe she’s the “kooky” one? Definitely the saucy one. Can they have a kooky one and a saucy one, or is that a violation of the bylaws of the lady guild? I’m going to need an official ruling here.

Solid pull quote there. I mean, what better way to sell Hank Williams to the “new generation of country fans” than by comparing him to Sissy Spacek playing Loretta Lynn? I mean who doesn’t remember Sissy Spacek playing Loretta Lynn? I remember that 35-year-old movie like it was 22.

This Dutch poster for Joy seems like a bit of a misrepresentation. Unless the plot is that Bradley Cooper may have murdered his wife Jennifer Lawrence and Robert De Niro is the hard-drinking private eye looking to put him away. Would watch, BTW.

This is a pretty great poster, managing to combine Free Willy with those Japanese-style wave prints. (If anyone has any idea what those are called, free free to weigh in in the comments.) I’d also love to learn the science behind which actors get “with” or “and” in front of their names. Is that considered a perk? Does an agent negotiate for such things? “Sorry, my boy doesn’t get out of bed for less than two points on the back end and an ‘and’ in front of his name. …’With?’ ‘WITH?!’ I’m can’t believe you’d come back to me with ‘with.’ Why don’t you go walk in traffic, you clown. My client Mr. Fiennes is a very important man.”

I mean, this is a cool poster, I just… There’s no easy way to say this, but Ron Perlman and Rupert Grint’s mugs on the same poster are a lot for the eyes to process.

Peace, Norm. Peace indeed. Anyone want to take bets on whether Norm shakes his butt to a hip-hop song at some point in this movie? Anyone? If we’re talking cultural appropriation, white people got nothing on cartoon animals.

This guy looks very serious. Which is good, I was worried Pride & Prejudice & Zombies was going to be all comedic and tongue-in-cheek-like.

“So, it’s like Van Helsing, but in the form of an ironic joke that the characters aren’t in on.”

More like Dr. Whoooo Cares, am I right?

This poster has me thoroughly baffled, and intrigued, which is an advanced maneuver. Is it about a human submarine that falls in love?

Despite a returning marine’s mundane reality, his haunting wartime past shepherds him into a magical and destructive new existence to expose his ultimate truth. [IMDb]

Dang. You know, I really thought having the synopsis sitting right here in front of us was going to help us understand what the movie was about. Not that I’m not intrigued. His ultimate truth? HE WAS A SUBMARINE ALL ALONG, glug glug glug.

This is a poster featuring Tarzan, an “Ape-Man,” if you will. A little on the nose, no? Also, I didn’t realize Andy Serkis was in this movie.

No one appreciates my joke about Hollywood casting the world’s most Aryan actor in a famous eugenics parable, which makes me sad.

No matter how long I’ve known about this, it’s still hard for my brain to comprehend the idea of Michael Bay doing a Benghazi movie starring the guy from The Office. Which is probably why they kept Michael Bay’s name so small in the poster. You think this is Bay’s chance to do something serious, or is it going to be even more tacky than usual?

Well at least he’s not literally wrapping himself in the American fla– oh. Oh no. No no no no no.

Youth is right there in that little vial, you see. That youthful lady represents youth. “You think you want to live forever…”

Right, but then what? The zombies come? Everything turns red? Give me a little hint here.

Viva, more like Drag Me To Heaven, am I right?

Is that too many “am I right” constructions in one week? Yeah, probably.

I think it’s pretty awesome that they used a pull quote from Nadia Comeneci, the famous gymnast. I’d like to see more of that. “A high-octane thrill ride from start to finish.” -Shaquille O’Neal. “Ricky loved this movie.” -Ricky Henderson

Alas, poor Yorick, he personified the weakness of mankind and led me to plan its destruction. I like this poster. If it were anything like the trailer, it would just be an outline of Professor X’s bald head. Luckily, the designer didn’t seem to get the “the selling point is that Xavier is bald!” memo.

I’m a little sad we’re starting with Hansel, because all of the other Zoolander posters are really, really good.

Like this one. I’m surprised they didn’t try to work in a “Derek Zoolander is looking a little husky” joke, but I think the image stands on its own.

As does this one of Kristen Wiig, who I wouldn’t have recognized without the caption. The production design looks strong with this one.

And this one I actually laughed out loud at. Has there been a better role for Will Ferrell than Mugatu? I say no.

And finally, here’s the latest for Zootopia, which I’m crushing on so hard right now. Why did they ever get away from talking animals wearing clothes? Is that a stoned wildebeest back there? This is wonderful.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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