WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Hello and welcome to the first presidential debate of this, our country’s first election after the devastating alien attack on July 4. I’m Wolf Blitzer, your moderator. Please welcome to the stage our candidates, President Thomas J. Whitmore and Mr. Donald Trump.
[audience applauds, candidates shake hands and move to their podiums]
WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: President Whitmore, we’ll start with you. Your first term saw a great deal of turmoil. Wall Street bonuses spun out of control, you fought tooth and nail with Congress over healthcare reforms, and hundreds of thousands of Americans — including the First Lady — perished when aliens came to Earth in giant disc-shaped warships and leveled our most populous cities with blue space lasers of doom. How will you improve on this in your second term?
PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Wolf, I’m glad you asked that. Those attacks, while devastating, showed me that the human spirit — the ability of the citizens of a country, and the world, to come together in a time of crisis — is truly an amazing thing. I believe that if we can look back to that awful day and remember the best parts of all of us bubbling up to solve a problem together, in unison, we can truly achieve anything.
WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, your reply?
DONALD TRUMP: Let me begin by saying that my condolences go out to the president on the loss of his wife, who was a great woman who died in service of her country, and was a solid 7, maybe even an 8 in the right lighting. Not a 10, and I know what a 10 looks like. We’ve all seen my daughter Ivanka, who is extremely attractive and who I have accidentally hit on multiple times in dark rooms until I realized it was her. Stand up, Ivanka. Someone in the control room get a shot of her. Slow pan up from feet to head. Real slow. See, a 10, even though many in the dishonest media are saying she is a 9.5. Lawsuits are being filed, folks. Believe me.