Everything Vin Diesel Does In The New ‘xXx’ Trailer, Ranked From Least To Most xXxtreme

11.02.16 1 month ago 16 Comments

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In a development that one notable figure in the entertainment industry is calling “potentially the biggest story in years” (it’s me, I’m the only one saying this, shut up, it’s important to me), Vin Diesel is coming back to the xXx franchise early next year after a 15-year hiatus. The new movie is called xXx: Return of Xander Cage and is about his character, Xander Cage, uh, returning. I guess that part was obvious. If there’s a tattooed, skydiving God in heaven, the movie will feature someone trying to coax him out of retirement, and when Vin replies “Why me?,” that person will say “Because you’re the best, that’s why.” All good movies have this scene. It usually takes place on a mountain.

Anyway, the studio just released the official trailer for the movie and, guys, it is very extreme. xXxtreme, if you will. There are at least two different scenes in which Vin Diesel uses a form of transportation in a situation where it doesn’t belong at all, at various points flying through the air and/or under the water, just like he does in your dreams when you accidentally take too much cough syrup. It’s really quite something. I think the best way to handle it all is by putting the things Vin Diesel in the trailer into categories and ranking them from “A Little xXxtreme” to “Probably Too xXxtreme.” Yes, let’s do that.

A Little xXxtreme

Paramount Pictures

Jumping over a moving car is usually pretty extreme. Like if you went outside right now and someone just did it on your street, you’d probably be all, “Dang, that was some pretty extreme stuff right there.” But we are dealing in proportionality here. There are things that happen elsewhere in the trailer that throw the whole scale into disarray. Trust me on this.

Paramount Pictures

Hmm, disarming a woman who has a gun pointed at your crotch and then turning the gun back on her in the middle of what appears to be a rave held inside a castle is definitely an extreme thing to do, but I’m deducting points because the woman didn’t have a mohawk. Sorry, but rules are rules.

Not So Much ‘xXxtreme’ As ‘Hilarious,’ But Still

Paramount Pictures

ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THIS TRAILER

“We need someone who can move like them, fight like them… it’s time to be a patriot.”

“There are no more patriots, just rebels and tyrants.”

“So which are you?”

“I’m xXx.”

This is, I think, my favorite selection of movie dialogue since the “I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes” speech from the Point Break remake. It’s just perfect. I hope when the movie comes out and I see this scene on opening weekend in IMAX 3D, it cuts back to the lady who is trying to recruit him and she does a dramatic eye roll straight into the camera. Until then, I’m going to try to work “There are no more patriots, just rebels and tyrants” into as many conversations as I can.

It’s also worth noting here, while we’re discussing turns of phrase, that Vin Diesel revealed a new poster for the movie yesterday on Facebook and the tagline on the poster was “‘Safe’ isn’t in my dictionary.” That’s just perfect in ways I can’t even begin to articulate.

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