Love him, hate him, want to be him because he sleeps with supermodels even though he looks like a hairy Swedish lesbian, you gotta admit that director Michael Bay has a recognizable style. A very loud, *MAKES GIANT FIREBALL NOISE* style, but a style nonetheless. You know a Michael Bay movie when you see one, and Pain & Gain, which comes out tomorrow, looks like it’ll fit snugly in his filmography between The Rock and Bad Boys II.
But long before Bay made millions of dollars filming women in their underwear and calling it a “movie,” he made thousands of dollars doing the exact same thing, but in music videos. Bay’s worked with the likes of Meat Loaf, Aerosmith, Lionel Richie, Vanilla Ice, and Tina Turner. In honor of Pain & Gain, let’s take a look at some of the most quintessentially “Michael Bay-esque” moments in Michael Bay’s music videos.
Artist: Donny Osmond
Song: “Soldier of Love”
Michael Bay’s first music video, for Donny Osmond’s new jack swing comeback single, “Solider of Love,” is charmingly humble, at least compared to what was soon to come in the 1990s and beyond. I have no idea why he was picked for this song by this artist (a Google search for “Michael Bay Mormon” comes up disappointingly empty), but while nothing goes boom, there are multiple hot ladies doing hot lady things that are completely disconnected with everything else that’s going on, a Michael Bay trademark if there ever was one.
Artist: Greg Allman
Song: “I’ll Be Holding On”
That swooping camera “trick” Bay loves as much as a pound of cocaine on a tiger’s vagina shows up here. But really, the reason why “I’ll Be Holding On” is noteworthy is because the movie the song appears on the soundtrack to, Black Rain, would (should) have been made by Michael Bay, if he had been more established.
The story centers on two New York City police officers who arrest a member of the Yakuza and must escort him back to Japan. Once there, he escapes, and the two police officers find themselves dragged deeper and deeper into the Japanese underworld.
OK, fine, Michael Bay OR Brett Ratner. They’re still pissed Ridley Scott got to it first.
Artist: Vanilla Ice
Song: “I Love You”
More gratuitous shots of attractive women, obviously, but more to the point, “I Love You” is basically a rip-off of LL Cool J’s “I Need Love,” not unlike how Philip K. Dick’s wife, Tessa, asserts that Bay’s The Island plagiarized her husband’s The Penultimate Truth, as well as several other stories. That is, somehow, still not embarrassing as Bay taking a scene from The Island and putting it into Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
What I’m saying is, LL Cool is the hip-hop Philip K. Dick.
Artist: Divinyls
Song: “I Touch Myself”
When Michael Bay thinks about you…
…he touches himself.
Artist: Tina Turner
Song: “Love Thing”
Take a moment to appreciate that shot. The helicopter, the light, the doorway and windows looking like a cross which is intended as DEEP religious imagery, the beautiful black woman about to enter a photo shoot, the motorcycle (more motorcycles soon). This scene should be painted on the ceiling of every Planet Hollywood in the country.
Artist: Lionel Richie
Song: “Do It to Me”
Billowing sheets /takes shot
Hot women rolling around on beds in their lingerie /takes shot
White light, no heat /takes shot
More women slinking about for no reason /takes shot
/dies
Artist: Meat Loaf
Song: “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”
FINALLY, a power ballad featuring a helicopter following an outlaw on a motorcycle. This is Michael Bay’s London Calling. Note to self: pitch Michael Bay a movie called Death or Glory
Artist: Aerosmith
Song: “Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)”
The supermodels, the close ups, the general lack of things making a lick of sense and subtly, “Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)” has ’em all. Fun fact: Steve Tyler got the idea for the song title off a bumper sticker. The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen script could fit on a bumper sticker, so it’s a match made in Heaven, where the clouds are made of silicone and electric guitars solo.
