Last night, Taylor Swift introduced her Instagram followers to her new kitten, Olivia Benson. The cat was named, of course, for the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit character played by Mariska Hartigay. Sure, it would have been cuter if she’d adopted a male puppy and named him Odafin Tutuola, perhaps giving him a pair of pimp glasses and a little jewel-encrusted chalice to eat food from, but that’s probably just something I’ll have to do myself. Nevertheless, people absolutely love it when celebrities like Swift get new pets, and it’s double the fun when they give them funny names or name them after things that we like, too.
That Taylor Swift, she’s a 20-something girl just looking for love like all the rest of us. So relatable, so often dateable.
Alas, if Swift’s history with men – more like boys, am I right, girlfriends? – is indicative of the way that she keeps pets, then poor Olivia Benson’s days are already numbered. That’s why I went ahead and wrote this breakup song, entitled “Claw and Disorder,” for Taylor and Olivia, and these words are so precious and beautiful that I’m already preparing my Grammy acceptance speech.
(For country radio, the song will start out with thunder and violins. For pop radio, it’ll have Taylor’s autotuned voice saying things like, “Oh no she didn’t!” and “You ain’t gonna believe this one, girls.”)
The moment we locked eyes, I knew that it was love
The way you purred in my hands, you fit into my heart like a glove
But as the days passed like years, I’d realized my greatest fears
Those moments of love and bliss soon turned into my own tears
(Whispered) And that’s when I knew, after one whole week, that you were gone.
You were Claw and Disorder, chaos in my heart
I should’ve seen right through you, but love makes me not smart
If I could, I’d burn this house down to turn back all the clocks
But I’m pushing you out the door in your stinky litter box
They say that time can change a woman, this I know so true
I once had a horse named Tami Taylor, but then I turned her into glue
You see a woman isn’t meant to keep a pet, not for her whole life
Especially when your fur would make nice earrings, now where’d I put that knife
(Whispered) And that’s when I knew, after seven long days, that you were gone.
You were Claw and Disorder, a hurricane in my soul
You filled my life with anger, while I filled up your bowl
If this were fair, your heart would know my pain and surely swelter
But it’s life, so I’ll pay my assistant to leave you outside the shelter
(Now for the bridge, the country version’s violins will get really crazy, while the pop version will have Pitbull in the background yelling, “DALE!” and “Mr. Worldwide!”)
You were supposed to be my kitten, forever we’d be smitten
You love to rub against my leg, but I was a square hole to your circle peg
You left a dead mouse in my guitar, my patience only goes so far
You were Gilligan and I was Skipper, but I paid the lawn guy $12 to throw you in the wood chipper
I thought that our time was surely now, but all you ever said was meow
This is Claw and Disorder, and now you’re gone
(For the country version, Miranda Lambert will do a spoken word bit about how the cat is like a terrible man who cheated and spent her money on a new pickup truck. For the pop version, Pitbull will rap a few lines about “Dat no good p*ssy.”)
Now that we’re done, I hope that we can still be friends
I’m not so good at saying sorry, I’m even worse at accepting ends
If I see you on the streets one day, maybe you’ll see me and we’ll smile
But sometimes a heart just can’t forgive a cat who scratches f*ckin’ marble tile
(Whispers) You never learned to mind your manners, so you’re gone
You were Claw and Disorder, a maelstrom of emotion
Your fur gave me an allergic reaction, and I can’t keep paying thousands of dollars for lotion
A kitten and a woman, they’re meant to be like sisters
But I can’t keep track of you, when I can barely remember my misters
(Whispers) So best of luck finding a home before that shelter’s deadline, or you’re gone