Today would have been Tupac Shakur’s 43rd birthday. Of course if you would open your eyes you’d know that Tupac was actually an alien from the planet Zorf and he’s not only alive, but around 8,000 years old. Wikipedia just can’t handle that kind of truth, though.
I initially planned to honor Tupac’s birthday the same way I do every year, by pouring out a 40 oz. while “Keep Ya Head Up” plays in the background and then falling asleep on the couch watching Poetic Justice. But this year demands some “Changes,” and I’ve decided to honor Tupac’s legacy by strapping on a tin foil hat and charging down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole.
Aliens, F.B.I. assassination cover-ups, holograms — they’re all part of the “mystery” surrounding Tupac’s death. Please, take all of these with a back-breaking rock of salt.
1. Tupac is alive in Cuba. Some believe that Tupac staged his own death and then fled to Cuba to live out his years in peace with his godmother Assata Shakur. Following an Eminem reference to Pac’s Cuban refuge and the addition of Pac’s godmother to the F.B.I.’s most wanted list, threads began to pop up on forums alluding that he would return from Cuba in 2014. If you need further proof, just watch this grainy video of Pac hanging out in Cuba. Case closed!
2. Tupac vs. the Illuminati. Tupac was supposedly targeted by the unconfirmed secretive government string-pulling group for pushing too many buttons with songs like “They Don’t Give a F*ck About Us.” Both Jay-Z and Kanye West have been accused of being members of the group and there have even been references of the Illuminati’s involvement with the death of Tupac in the song “Ni**as in Paris.” Just try to enjoy the song now that you know it’s basically a murder confession.
3. The Coachella hologram was more proof that Tupac lives on. Well, if eight posthumous albums didn’t confirm Tupac was still alive, the Cochella hologram sure did. How ever would he have said “what’s up Coachella?” when the festival wasn’t even around in 1996? Surely it couldn’t have just been a technical magic trick, right? Leave it to Yahoo Answers to unravel the hip-hop mysteries of the universe.
4. The F.B.I. wanted Tupac dead. John Potash, author of The FBI War on Tupac Shakur and Bandleaders, proposes that Tupac faked his own death to finally escape heat from the F.B.I. for being a new chairman on the National Chairman of the New African Panthers. Potash believes that the first hit on Tupac’s life from the feds came in 1994 when he was shot in a New York recording studio. Potash suggests this robbery set-up was all just a tactic put in place by the F.B.I. to cause tension between Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. Proponents of Potash’s book claim that Death Row bodyguard Kevin Hackie was actually an undercover agent who knew that the F.B.I. witnessed Tupac’s murder.
5. Tupac was abducted by aliens. You won’t find it anywhere on the NASA website, but our planet is the only one in our galaxy with dope-ass beats and lyrics to match — and aliens want those jams. One theory that’s so far out there — and likely a gag, but still entertaining — is that Tupac was abducted by aliens and placed in a trance-like state while being forced to continuously pen new lyrics. Here’s the synopsis of extra terrestrial crazy:
“After Tupac supposedly “died”, the aliens took him to their space ship and made a deal: we’ll allow you to continue to release tracks on Earth and get paid off of the record sales if you come with us to Planet Yilamhar and be our dope MC for 1000 years. You will get paid from the sales of records on our world, have all of the phattest honeys you want, and we will also use our technology to keep you young forever.”
Happy birthday, Tupac, wherever you are.
I want more like this!
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