The following is an open letter to Nickelback.
Unless you’ve all been living under a pile of withered, excessively hairsprayed cougs still sporting big, poofy bangs and stone-washed jeans — which I suppose is entirely possible — you’ve probably heard about how the people of Detroit are mildly perturbed by the announcement that you guys will be performing at halftime of the Lions’ Thanksgiving Day home game against the Green Bay Packers. So perturbed, in fact, that a few of them have circulated a petition to have you replaced, a petition that has so far collected tens of thousands of signatures.
Which brings me to this: it’s time for you to gracefully bow out of the performance, Nickelback.
Seriously, what do you guys stand to gain at this point? Seeing as the Beatles are the only foreign act that has sold more records in the U.S., you all certainly don’t need the money. And do you really think it’s in the best interest of your brand to have an entire American city — one that’s already synonymous with downtrodden despair and Kid Rock — rise up and revolt against you? Do you really foresee any possible way this doesn’t turn out looking bad? Millions of people are going to watch this game on Thanksgiving day — do you think it’d be a good thing for them all to see you booed by fans holding up newspapers so they don’t have to look at you?
And to top it all off, you’re going to get destroyed on social media. I’m telling you, people who would probably be off the internet on Thanksgiving day are going to log-in to Twitter at halftime of the game just to see you get crucified, and perhaps participate in the crucifixtion. TRUST ME ON THIS, since I’ll probably be one of the people doing the crucifying.
Look, I’ve been to a bunch of NFL games in my life. Do you know what halftime entertainment at an NFL regular season game usually consists of? Stuff like old men being randomly pulled out of the stands to attempt to win a year of free Subway sandwiches if they can catch a punt out shot into the air by a pitching machine, or young women attempting to kick an extra point for an all-expenses paid trip to Branson, or a couple of local peewee football teams battling it out after a local high school marching band performs. Occasionally there are animals and frisbees involved. The people of Detroit have decided that they would prefer any of these things over having you play your music in their city on Thanksgiving day. Think about that for a minute.
Honestly, I personally don’t feel very strongly one way or the other about your music, but it’s bad enough that dudes who drive trucks like the one below blare your music with the windows down in public places. (No joke, I was walking home from a football game the other day and the guy driving this truck was blasting your music.)
What does that even mean?
Regardless, bow out Nickelback. Detroit has suffered enough. Have your lawyers get with their lawyers and to have everything settled financially ASAP and still leave time for someone else to be booked. Why not Eminem? THAT GUY IS DETROIT! Hell, let them have a piano playing cat or something instead. Nobody loses that way. Conversely, everybody wins!