Happy Justin Bieber Birthday Day! May his most special of days be filled with diseased women, illegal substances, and black dudes pretending to lose at basketball. In honor of this prestigious should-be holiday, I thought I’d celebrate by talking a trip down memory lane by reliving his 19th year all over again. Won’t you join me?
March 2013: Justin Bieber celebrated his 19th birthday by partying until 6am shirtless, natch. It would be the start of a trend we’d see more of throughout the year.
Getty Image
March 2013: Bieber worked up the best of his wee might to “attack” a photographer in London and the result was these photos that launched a thousand memes. Never forget!
April 2013: Biebs really ratcheted up the twattiness by suggesting that holocaust victim Anne Frank would have been a “Belieber.”
May 2013: Bieber’s pet monkey “Mally” was seized by German customs after he illegally tried to sneak it into the country. He later abandoned efforts to retrieve Mally.
July 2013: That incredibly charming mop bucket peeing-Bill Clinton f*cking incident.
July 2013: I think July was a really pivotal month for Bieber, when he finally went full Joffrey by spitting on fans over a hotel balcony in Toronto.
October 2013: Prince Bieber required to be carried up the Great Wall of China by his dutiful servants.
Getty Image
November 2013: Bieber is caught sneaking out of a Brazilian whorehouse. Oh, the egg on his face!
December 2013: Bieber announces his “retirement,” which he quickly recanted. Of course it was too good to be true.
Getty Image
January 2014: This is when things REALLY started going into Bieber-hyperdrive, when the tiniest pop turd came up with the brilliant plan of egging his neighbor’s house.
January 2014: Aww, baby’s first DUI.
February 2014: Justin got THUPER THERIOUS about his burgeoning hip-hop career, so much so that he decides to move to Atlanta and change his name to “Bizzle.”
February 2014: Justin Bieber ceases to give a solitary sh*t; moves into a UFO mansion and flies in a Vegas Hooters waitress to spend the weekend with him.
//instagram.com/p/kfU9L3Nvbx
So, yeah. What the f*ck did YOU do at nineteen? I can only imagine what delights Bieber’s 20th year is going to bring us. Overdoses? Shootings? I have little doubt that there will be frequent and heavy police involvement. Personally, I know I will be toasting him in anticipation.
