O say you can see, will you do something important for me? Not just for me, actually, but for the future of America. “The Star-Spangled Banner,” our so-called National Anthem, is BOR-ING. Yo, Francis Scott Key, why don’t you write another hit song, ya no-talent bum? Does anyone even know what the heck “home of the brave” even MEANS? The lyrics don’t speak to this hip, new generation, what with our portable music and spicy sandwiches; it’s time for a new song to be our National Anthem, one that really sums up what it means to be a citizen of the 21st century.
A song like R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).”
We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become. (Via)
As long as it’s not “Trapped in the Closet,” says every Republican politician ever.