This is like the Stefon of lawsuits. It has EVERYTHING: Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber cheating on Selena Gomez with Ke$ha, Rihanna, and Penelope Cruz. Justin Bieber not paying $426.78 in “abortion money.” Justin Bieber getting Selena Gomez pregnant on a “canadian bear rug.” And Justin Bieber sodomizing people with fireworks while playing Katy Perry. All that, and so much more in today’s installment of “If I Was Your Boyfriend, I’d Never Say No To Buying And Doing Cocaine With ‘P-Ditty Combs’ In Drug-Free School Zones.”
Justin Bieber bought himself a penis enlargement with a stolen credit card … and he’s also cheating on his GF with Ke$ha, Rihanna and Penelope Cruz … this according to a CRAZY new lawsuit filed in court and obtained by TMZ.
Bieber has been sued in Michigan by a man claiming to be Selena Gomez’s father — who makes some of the most insane, and obviously untrue allegations ever documented in court.
Among the highlights:
— “Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”
— “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”
— “[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”
— “Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. ”
The lawsuit concludes … “I’m an emotional mess … America must boycott biebers music!” (Via)
For TMZ to highlight the penis enlargement aspect of the lawsuit (and to only use a sic for “Kate Perry”?) is a shame. There’s so much stuff in there that I want to be true, if only to hear the excuses Beliebers would make for Justin (“GOD, IT’S LIKE WHO HASN’T BOUGHT AN ILLEGAL DRUG FROM SOMEONE SIGNED TO BAD BOY RECORDS. #makelovetomybearskinrugjustin”). Also, is shoving fireworks up someone’s “anal area” the new buttchugging? It needs a catchy name, though — “assplosives” doesn’t do the job.