Kim and Kanye’s trillion-dollar (but tasteful!) wedding was obviously ridiculous, but it wasn’t until Page Six filed their on-the-scene exposé that we got a taste of just how insanely lavish and perfectly Kim and Kanye it was. And by lavish, I mean THERE WAS A GOLDEN TOILET TOWER.
If you’ll allow: a ranking of the seven best paragraphs from “Inside Kimye’s Wedding.”
1.
The biggest decorative element of the wedding was a giant gold box, 49 feet (15 meters) tall, which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right next to the dinner tables at the reception with a bar in front of it. According to one Italian, “Their toilet was the star of the show.” The Italians named it the Torre di Bagni Oro (translation: the Gold Toilet Tower).
Honestly, I would have been disappointed if they DIDN’T have a Gold Toilet Tower.
2.
Four days before the wedding, they ordered 30 life-size nudes to be made from black marble from Carrera. The marble workers worked through the night to cut enough blocks, but 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were too damaged in transit to put out, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. They were put out around the dinner tables.
New dream job: being the guy who chisels a statue penis for Kim’s (next) wedding.
3.
The forklifts were the first thing the guests saw upon arrival. And the gleaming Gold Toilet Tower.
The pharaohs had their pyramids; Kim and Kanye have their Gold Toilet Tower.
4.
Kanye returned one hour before the wedding and didn’t like the all-white bar that was in front of the Gold Toilet Tower. He took a saw and started sawing it in half himself. Two men held the bar stable as he sawed, and sawed, into the bar, defacing the entire front, screaming at everyone around him. He said it looked like a bar from Texas. Then he ordered two pieces of raw wood to be nailed onto the front of the bar. Once the wood was in place, “Now,” he said, “it’s art.”
Now It’s Art has to be the name of Kanye’s next album.
5.
Will Smith‘s son Jaden wore a white Batman costume and ran around like a chicken with its head cut off from 8:30 p.m. until 10:25 p.m., batting glasses off tables whenever he came to an empty seat, smashing them on the ground. Vogue Italia’s editor in chief, Franca Sozzani, was getting irritated because he kept coming up behind her and throwing his cape over her head.
We already covered this, but it’s still no less amazing. Jaden’s the ultimate wiener kid.
6.
In the time between ceremony and dinner, one woman in her 50s was so drunk that she collapsed. An ambulance arrived and just as the medics got to the guest, a Justin Bieber fan, hoping to catch a sight of him, who had climbed up to the top of the Belvedere tower, fell. As the Bieber fan was seriously hurt, they triaged the drunk guest, left her lying on an ottoman and went off to take care of the fallen fan. The drunk woman spent the rest of the night passed out on the ottoman, while the Bieber fan was taken to the hospital. Bieber never showed up.
It’s Kris Jenner, right? It has to be Kris Jenner.
7.
Andrea Bocelli sang during Kim’s processional. The blind opera legend had been asked as a guest, but the wedding planners hadn’t provided a seat for him. He said he’d be happy with a glass of water, and was told after his performance, “Thank you, but it’s time for you to get in your car and go home.” Bye-bye to one of the greatest living Italian vocalists of all time.
A perfect ending to a perfect wedding. Read the rest here.
