Bears guarding weed crops? Vultures threatening Scottish airspace? Alligators loose in Massachusetts? Yep, it’s war, us against the animals, and it looks like the animals are winning, today in Uproxx News.
First, we’ve got a pot farm being guarded by the cuddliest piles of fur, claws, and fanged death you’ve ever met. While raiding a pot farm in British Columbia, Canadian police slowly realized they were surrounded by ten black bears. The bears were “surprisingly docile and mellow”, to which we respond…duh. What’s so surprising about a bunch of bears guarding a pot farm being mellow? They’re on a pot farm. The Canadians should just be grateful they weren’t raiding a meth lab; the bears probably would have stolen a cruiser and led them on a high-speed chase.
The bears were being given dog food in order to keep them near the farm and keep hikers out. In other words, they were guard dogs. This was so effective cops snapped this photo:
Yeah, really threatening, there.
Meanwhile, in Scotland, a vulture named Gandalf (yeah, whoever named that bird was definitely smoking something from the bear farm) escaped from a bird show, probably much to the delight of the bored children, and wreaked havoc on Scottish airspace, as apparently vultures can cruise at high enough altitudes to mess with airplanes. Sadly, there are no reports of the vulture cruising next to a window, freaking out travelers. Instead he was found near a brickworks, and reincorporated back into the show, having lost a pound. Not due to lack of food, but because it was all Scottish junk food, which not even stoned bears will go near.
Finally, in Brockton, a firefighter was driving down the street when he was forced to stop for a vicious, flesh-eating predator. And in addition to the Brockton resident in the crosswalk, there was also a poor, terrified alligator. The gator was rescued, secured with bungie cords, and brought to Brockton Animal Control, where it is relaxing. It has a collar, indicating it’s a pet, which is about standard for a depressed Boston suburb. We’re sure the gator will be returned to somebody much calmer, more intelligent, and responsible. Probably Tony Montana.
- Bears are, like, totally mellow, dudes. (Vancouver Sun)
- Vulture nearly starves in Scotland, nobody surprised. (AFP)
- OK, Brockton isn’t really that bad. But some townie having a pet gator is the least surprising news to come out of that town. (The Enterprise)
- In other news about vicious, unpleasant creatures we can’t seem to get rid of, some brat hijacked the family pickup truck and drove it 100 miles. Fortunately, this happened in Oregon, so it only hurt some trees. (MSNBC)
- Speaking of irresponsible parenting, a woman stole condoms (…too late, lady) and clothes, jumped on a bus, and then gave one of her two children to a total stranger. Unsurprisingly, this happened in Pittsburgh. (The Pittsburgh Channel)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- Good news for stoned bears: the majority of Canada’s cannabis stays within its borders. Pass the pic-a-nic baskets! (Canadian Foundation for Drug Policy)
- 53% of Canadians want to legalize it. The conservative government wants to foist mandatory minimums on weed smokers. Because that’s working so well in the US! (National Post)
I want more like this!
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