Whether you believe the world will end in a flash of nuclear chaos or with the low moans of zombie hoards craving human flesh, it’s always good to channel your inner Boy Scout and be prepared. Because when civilization finally reaches the end of organized structure and law, it’s every man for himself. Thankfully, the fine people at Costco are helping their loyal members by offering a new package that will help you survive at least the first year of your days spent living in a fallout bunker. Haha, no it’s not porn, silly! But seriously, stock up on porn.
Shelf Reliance has put together a food package that provides a year’s worth of food for one person, all for the reasonable price of $800. Remember how Sally Struthers told us that we could help feed people for just pennies a day? Well this is more than $2 per day, so prepare to eat like a God among charred and mutated mortals. Shelf Reliance promises that it’s not just a buttload of beef jerky and 5,000 cans of tuna and tripe rations either. The company wants you to live out your end days in the style that you’ve grown accustomed to with quality food and a prime selection. You know, until you’re forced to fight for your freedom in Thunderdome.
But it might be a bit more difficult getting out of Costco than you think. At least in Salem, Oregon, where the city’s police bomb squad had to lock 300 customers and store employees inside the store after someone reported a suspicious package in the parking lot. After spending an hour investigating the scene, Salem police were shocked to discover that the mysterious package was… a blue suitcase. But according to reports it was a “vintage” blue suitcase so it would look so sweet with my neon yellow Wayfarers and my fixed speed bike. I can carry my Bright Eyes albums in it. *flips scarf*
Finally, if you’re wondering how you can afford to purchase $800 worth of food that could save your life, it’s time to turn your attention to the stock market. Specifically, it’s time to look at Costco, which slaughtered the wholesale and mainstream retailers in the third quarter of the year with a 14% increase in share prices. To compare, Walmart and Target averaged only a 3% increase, meaning that a lot more people were buying their patio tables and dishwasher detergent in bulk this quarter. The increase is possibly due to Costco’s spontaneous variety, in that they always have random stuff in their inventory. You know, like a year’s worth of food.
- Costco wants you to be prepared to spend your life underground. (Gizmodo)
- That is, if you’re not blown up in a Costco parking lot first. (Statesmen Journal)
- Can’t afford your own bomb shelter? Invest in Costco stock. (Seeking Alpha)
- Frito-Lay is pulling Sun Chips from stores because consumers have been complaining that the bags are too loud. Well the bags are 100% compostable, meaning that they’re very good for the environment, as opposed to the decades worth of bags currently rotting at your local garbage dump. (Yahoo!)
- And if you need help learning how to defend yourself and your family in a lawless society, look no further than Larry Ryan, who fought off two armed home invaders in his underwear. Even better, Ryan got one of the assailant’s guns and shot the robber’s fingers off. Macaulay Culkin ain’t got nothing. (Tulsa World)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- A study has shown that more than 59% of Americans believe that the Bible’s Book of Revelations accurately describes how the world will end. Sadly, only .000000000001% believes that the world ends with me in a hot tub with Rachel Bilson and Mila Kunis. (Jerz’s Weblog)
- With mental preparation, good health, a powerful will and determination to survive and a variety of other factors, the average person could go as many as 60 days without food. This is mostly just advice for anyone whose only source of food is Shoney‘s. (Professor’s House)