Crimes happen every day in the US. Muggings, arsons, robberies, all sadly common. Fortunately, sometimes the criminals aren’t terribly smart, and other times, the would-be victims are, happily, armed. Incompetent criminals and their far more intelligent victims, right here on Uproxx News.
First up, we’ve got Hassan Malih, an owner of an Internet cafe in Florida. Hassan, a resident of Fort Mary, FL, already has it rough, because he has to give the Internet to the kind of people Carl Hiassen makes jokes about. But the last straw was when a would-be robber walked in, doused Hassan in gasoline from a water bottle, and then held a Bic in front of him, demanding Hassan fork over all his cash. In an Internet cafe. This was not a well-considered plan in the first place, and it was about to get less so.
Fortunately, Hassan is a true-blooded American, and as such, he had a gun. Which he promptly used on the idiot trying to rob him with a lighter, teaching him a valuable lesson in stealing: don’t go after the guy with the heavy firearms. Police, in between laughing fits, said that they weren’t sure if Hassan had actually managed to put a little chlorine into the gene pool, but they’d check hospitals and all the places they visit in an episode of “Cops”. Hassan himself is just fine, and no doubt ready for anything else Florida can throw at him.
Hey, speaking of ridiculous crime, we’ve got Sandra Bathke of Janes, Minnesota. Ms. Bathke, faced with what she thought was an eviction, decided her only course of action was to rob a bank. There were two roadblocks to this plan, though: Bathke lacked any sort of getaway car, and she was also 70 years old. So she decided to kill two birds with one stone, and trick her landlord’s so, Luke Weimart, into driving her to the bank, telling him that she was going to the bank to pull the rent out of her account.
Bathke walked into the bank and told the teller that she had a gun. The teller didn’t believe her, but, this being Minnesota, she was simply too polite not to hand over nearly $4000 to Bathke. Bathke then got into her landlord’s son’s car, and drove off, leaving the bank to wonder what the heck had just happened, and the cops to…fairly easily track down Bathke and Weimart. Bathke turned out to not actually have a gun, just a small hammer, which seems odd for a bank robbery, but maybe she needed to assemble some IKEA furniture later. And just to cap off the faintly Benny Hill nature of the whole thing, the police found that Weimart had an outstanding DUI warrant and arrested him for it.
We understand that robbery takes a lot of practice and work before you’re good at it, but really, people, at least subject your getaway driver to a background check.
- Florida: Where the Criminals Are All Stupid and Everybody’s Armed. But it didn’t end in tragedy this time! (MSNBC)
- Old people are resorting to robbing banks to pay rent. Wow, they’re just taking ALL the jobs, aren’t they? (ABC)
- Hey, it’s five days until Christmas, let’s get into the Christmas spirit by delivering a story of Christmas hostility and greed. A grandmother in…wait a minute…Florida? Again? Seriously? Anyway, in Florida, a grandmother wanted to take a picture of her kid on Santa’s lap. The problem is that this Santa was part of the “Santa Photo Experience”, which charges the minor sum of $23, so after she took the photo, they threw her out of the mall. Apparently, the most important part of Christmas is…extortion. (Sun Sentinel)
- Also, apparently now that we can speak to even the most obscure relative any time we want thanks to Facebook, Christmas card sales are declining. We can’t wait for somebody to start posting op-ed pieces about how us not buying a bunch of cards, signing them until our hands cramp, and spending fifty bucks on postage, then forgetting to mail them until December 28th, is a bad thing. (WRAL)
- If you think that Bathke is bad, she’s not that unique in Japan, where elder crime has doubled over the last ten years. That’s what happens when ninjas have an unnaturally extended lifespan due to better health care. (Bloomberg)
- How many guns do Americans own? 200 million! (BBC)