Chances are if you flew on an American airline in October you were a pretty pleasant frequent flyer, because the month marked a huge milestone in modern air travel – not a single flight experienced a long delay on the tarmac.
The 18 largest airlines cleaned up their acts after fines of as much as $27,500 per passenger were imposed for flights that were delayed more than 3 hours. Hawaiian Airlines was the nation’s best at a remarkable 95.4%, while JetBlue had the lowest rate at 76.7%. But none of this means much to me as I only fly Hooters Air for my business needs. What? Huge breasts and mediocre Buffalo wings should be a business need for everyone.
Delta and Comair posted 82.9% and 78%, respectively, which is among the lowest of American airlines, but this is good news for them. People seem to love to complain about Delta more than any other airline. About 161 passengers per every 100,000 filed complaints against Delta in October. In fact, Delta also led all airlines in October with 2.8 missing bags per 1,000 passengers. You know, I don’t want to nitpick – mainly because I didn’t fly Delta, let alone any airline, in October – but I overheard a couple talking about Delta and they were so freaking loud. Also, the guy kept saying, “Know what I’m saying?” So annoying. Fix it, Delta.
Finally, Aleksandar Mijatovic and Shantu Bhattacherjee (German dudes, for those of you confused by foreign names) became the first same sex couple to get married on an airplane as it was in flight. Their gay marriage was the result of a contest conducted by Scandinavian Airlines, as 300 same sex duos entered to win the privilege. A lesbian couple, Ewa Tomaszewicz and Gosia Rawinska (Polish chicks), also took part in the first-ever mile high lesbian marriage on that same flight. And seconds later, someone undoubtedly became the first person on a flight to say, “Dude, that is so hot.”
- Airlines go full month without any long tarmac delays, flying alcoholics devastated. (USA Today)
- Delta and Comair were more on-time in October. Must’ve put a guy in charge. (Business Courier)
- Scandinavian airline performs same sex marriage in flight, much better than Vampires Suck. (Baltic Course)
- On a recent appearance on George Lopez Live, inexplicably famous person Khloe Kardashian compared her recent TSA patdown to the act of “rape.” Then she climbed the Empire State Building and swatted planes out of fear and confusion. But seriously, nobody is outraged because nobody watched. (MSNBC)
- Former Baywatch “actress” and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims that she was subjected to a naked full body scan recently at Los Angeles International Airport. In related news, we have officially run out of actual celebrities to talk about. (LA Times)
- In 2006, the TSA claims that it recovered 13,709,211 prohibited items as the result of patdowns and searches at airport checkpoints. Of those, 11,616,249 were common cigarette lighters and 1,607,100 were knives. The remaining 485,862 items? You guessed it – heat-seeking flying attack turtles. (TSA.gov)
- A CBS News poll from last month shows that 81% of Americans actually approve of the new TSA measures for security. Meanwhile, 15% of Americans disapprove of these patdowns and screenings, while 4% are Khloe Kardashian. (CBS News)