Michael Jordan: The 23-Year Old Mogul
2010: The Year of the Meme

Are You Trying To Lose Weight Again?

By / 01.05.11

So you did it again, right? In front of all your friends, with a glass of cheap champagne in both hands, you shouted at a New Year’s Eve party: “This is the year, friends! This is the year I will GET! IN! SHAPE!” And then you chugged both glasses of bubbly and made out with the ear of a girl you barely know. At least you think it was a girl. Your friends weren’t sure when they picked you up from jail. Boy did you guys laugh about it over a stack of pancakes at IHOP! Now pass the pecan syrup, fatty.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has taken a break from bogarting our Four Loko supplies, announcing that the “weight loss” drug Fruta Planta is being recalled because it doesn’t work and it could possibly kill you. It turns out the key ingredient, Sibutramine, causes increased blood pressure and pulse rates, which can lead to heart disease and failure, arrhythmias and stroke. I guess this just reinforces that old saying – “Cheaters never live.”

There is good news for cheaters that do live, though. Scientists at Baylor University have discovered a genetic pathway that instructs the body to absorb fat, and they believe that interfering with this process could stop your ass from going “beep beep beep” when you back up. The gene in question is known as SRC-2, and despite my best efforts in arguing with my girlfriend, that is not also the name of a boy band from the 90s.

You know, there is a little thing called the old-fashioned way that you can use to help you lose weight. It’s called watching what you eat. In this case it’s somewhat literal. We all know that diets are a joke, but some experts insist that by keeping a food diary we can monitor our caloric intake so we’ll know how much we need to burn while working out. And if the gym isn’t your thing, just do what I do – pick the exercise bike behind the girl with the nicest butt.

[news-links]

  • FDA recalls Fruta Planta for failure of the heart-a and stroke-a. (LA Times)
  • Scientists have identified the gene that makes you a fatty-fatty 2X4. (My Health News Daily)
  • A food diary can help with monitoring calories, embarrassing your food. (USA Today)

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[news-morenews]

  • Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has made one New Year’s resolution clear – she wants to shed a few pounds. Her method? Cutting back on the booze. In future news, The Jersey Shore has been canceled because Snooki is no longer fun. (MSNBC)
  • The makers of the popular PowerBalance wristbands have admitted that they may have been a little dishonest in marketing their product. Wait, no. They were totally dishonest. The bracelets don’t do anything other than make you look like a person who believes that holograms make you stronger. (Gizmodo)

[/news-morenews]

[news-stats]

  • There are more than 1.1 billion overweight people in the world, and that number is growing by the second. More than $85 million is spent on weight loss programs in the U.S. annually. It’s a shame we don’t have more money and food for starving people. (Worldometers)
  • 78% of Americans are not meeting the basic activity level recommendations, which explains why over 3 million people are morbidly obese. Here’s an easy way to remember to exercise – Baseball is America’s pastime, not competitive eating. (Anne Collins)

[/news-stats]


TAGSDIETINGfatNEW YEARS RESOLUTIONSOBESITYPOWER BALANCESNOOKIWEIGHT LOSSWEIGHT LOSS PRODUCTS

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