If you’re like me, you’re incredibly handsome and you have abs that were sculpted by lasers made by six different gods. And you are also a good U.S. citizen and try your best to file your taxes on time. But sometimes we get really drunk for a few weeks at a time and we forget, and then we have to beg Uncle Sam for an extension and then we usually forget about that, too. Well don’t fret, my pets, because this year the fine, amazing and spectacular people at the Internal Revenue Service have your back – we’re all getting an extension!
Thanks to the little known holiday of Emancipation Day, Washington DC is shutting down on Friday, April 15, which is the normal deadline for filing. Instead, we now have until Monday, April 18 to file this year, which is great news for Wesley Snipes and all of the other people who think taxes are a giant conspiracy. Regardless, people who are granted an extension will still have until October 17 to file. That should give you just enough time to figure out how to deduct Four Loko as a research study.
But don’t go feeling all that special just yet. It turns out that the IRS also needs that time because a bunch of recent tax changes are scatting and bebopping all over the current system. For instance, people over the age of 70 and a half (sucks to be you, just 70ers) now have until the end of this month to make deductions from their IRA accounts. I’d explain that more, but us kids in the 18-35 bracket will never need to know what an IRA is because they’re not going to exist when we’re 70.
Speaking of new tax changes, get ready to see a little boost in your paychecks soon. The IRS claims that the amount of money taken out of our paychecks for social security will be less now thanks to a new payroll tax cut, so you’ll have a few extra bucks to stuff away for a rainy day. And you really should save that extra cash, because we’re not going to know what social security is either.
- The IRS is giving us three extra days to claim our pets as dependents. (Seattle PI)
- Late tax law changes could end up screwing up the entire system. (Consumer Affairs)
- New payroll tax cut set to kick in soon, so we have that going for us. (Radio Iowa)
- Romania has declared that witchcraft, among other practices, is now a viable profession, prompting the government to begin taxing the proverbial hell out of it. A witch responded by casting a spell against the government, using black pepper and yeast. In related news, the Romanian government has more bread. (Stuff)
- The IRS has put together this list of 10 helpful tips for John Q. Public this tax season. It’s pretty standard, as it teaches organizational skills and honesty. Not making the cut? No. 11: Don’t cast spells against the government. (Encinitas Patch)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- In 2008, the amount of income taxes paid in the United States fell by a measly $84 billion. I’m sorry, did I say measly? I mean HOLY CRAP, HOW COULD WE LOSE THAT MUCH MONEY?!?! SOMEBODY CHECK A GIGANTIC COUCH! Actually, it was because our income tax rate was the lowest in 5 years. (Tax Foundation)
- By 2007, the last full year of income tax reported, there were more than 23 million sole proprietors in the U.S., and at least 78% of their taxable income went toward paying rent, bills, cost of goods sold, payroll, and depreciation. The other 22%? Awesome neon signs. (Foner Books)
I want more like this!
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