B.o.B. - "Make It Rain" Freestyle
Every Ricky Gervais Joke from the Golden Globes

What Has Your Panties In A Bunch?

By 01.19.11

The Swiss Bank UBS raised an eyebrow or a million last month after it was revealed that the company was forcing its employees to adhere to a 43-page employee handbook that detailed everything about how they dress, from their glasses to their asses. Now it’s no big secret that most companies will hope that we, as trusted employees, can keep from dressing like bubonic plague-stricken vagrants, but to demand that eyeglasses must be clean at all times and both men and women must wear flesh-toned underwear so that the customer and fellow employees aren’t stricken by temptation is just a tad overboard.

Some other rules detailed in this manifesto of madness…

  • Men, no cuff links or short-sleeved shirts. Black socks, calf-high – no skin, mister. And that terrible hair coloring you’re using to hide the grey? Forget it.
  • Women, no visible underwear, you teases. Also, the skirt goes no longer or shorter than mid-knee. And no new shoes or fancy jewelry. Think less fab, more drab.
  • And everyone – check the bad breath at the door. Actually, that’s not such a bad idea.

So all of that is gone and replaced with… men and women must adhere to dress codes featuring black, white and red to honor the company. Much better, UBS.

What’s Under There? Oh, It’s A Bomb

Detroit criminal defense attorney Anthony Chambers is being accused of overstepping his legal limitations in his defense of accused bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Umar, of course, is the 24-year old Nigerian man charged with trying to use a homemade bomb that he stashed in his underwear while on an airplane over Michigan. While Chambers’ requests may seem standard to some, the accusations have been raised because he isn’t Umar’s lawyer. He’s just his standby, because Umar is defending himself. Good luck with that, Umar.

If You Find A Mink, It Will Probably Stink

A 42-year old Bloomington, Minnesota woman was arrested on New Year’s Eve on charges of stealing a $6,500 mink coat from the Alaskan Fur Company store. Stephanie Moreland spent 3 days in jail after she told an officer that she stole the coat but had already sold it. Finally, the officer told her that she was being transferred to county jail, at which point she revealed that she hadn’t actually sold the mink. She had it on her. Hidden in her underwear. For three days. How, you ask? She weighs 270 pounds. Use your imagination to figure the rest out.

[news-links]

  • Swiss bank UBS revamps 43-page employee handbook to not seem as dickish. (O.C. Register)
  • Underwear bomber not thrilled with his lawyer all lawyering for him. (Detroit Free Press)
  • Woman puts one in the stink, does three in the clink. (Crunktastical)

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[news-morenews]

  • The Church of England is altering its baptism service to make the process more attractive to the lesser-enthused churchgoers. Church officials are removing some references to the Big Guy as sort of a “baptism lite.” I dunno, they said it has less deities but is more filling. (Daily Mail)
  • The Thalia Surf Shop in Laguna Beach, California issued a formal apology on its website after a Martin Luther King Day special sale probably offended a few people. The ad that ran on Monday offered 20% off all black products. Poor plaid, always discriminated against. (O.C. Weekly)

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[news-stats]

  • 80% of Americans will wear the same type of underwear for their entire lives, with 40% of men preferring briefs and 36% of women preferring bikini briefs. Only 36%? Really? Can I demand a recount? And be there? The whole time? And pick the women to survey? Hey, don’t call me a pervert! (National Underwear Day)
  • On June 13, 2010, 10-year old Jack Singer set the record for wearing the most pairs of underwear at one time with 215. In news from 30 years in the future, Jack has set the record for most consecutive days of his wife telling him to pick his underwear up off the floor. (Vital Statistics)

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TAGSBAPTISMSBOMBERSCHURCHLAWYERSMARTIN LUTHER KINGMICHIGANPANTIESTERRORISTSTHEFTunderwear

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