As you’ve probably heard by now, Nicolas Cage was arrested in New Orleans over the weekend for being a horse’s ass, basically — drunkenly man-handling his wife, beating on some cars parked in the French Quarter, and mouthing off like a privileged tool when the cops arrived. While the whole sad, sordid escapade will probably only serve to endear the web to Cage even more (Alex Blagg recently presented him with an award for “Lifetime Achievement in Viral Greatness”), as a native Louisianian and current New Orleans resident, I feel empowered to say that it’s time for Nic Cage to have his Nola card revoked.
You see, one of the things that myself and a few other Nola peeps have fretted over in regards to New Orleans becoming Hollywood South has been a fear that it would bring on an infiltration of the types of douchebags and douchebag behavior that Hollywood has become synonymous with — stuff that New Orleans and its people have traditionally been the antithesis of. Obviously, I’m biased, but it’s an unpretentious place filled with genuine people, and we don’t typically have a high tolerance for b*llshit, particularly from outsiders.
So years ago, Nic Cage came to New Orleans to film a movie and fell head-over-heels in love with the place, as people often tend to do, buying not one, but two homes in the city — homes that were eventually foreclosed on for reasons I still can’t wrap my brain around (Seriously, how the hell does Nic Cage not have the money to pay his freaking mortgages?!). Cage and his eccentricities seemed to fit New Orleans, a city whose cup overfloweth with oddball characters, like a glove, and everything was fantastically fine. He even had a pyramid tomb constructed in one of the city’s famed ancient cemeteries so his remains could spend eternity in the Big Easy, where his surely quirky ghost would join the scores of other quirky ghosts that already call New Orleans home in the afterlife.
But then last month, on Mardi Gras day no less, Cage inched toward crossing the line when he caused a ridiculous scene at Stella, one of the city’s many criminally excellent restaurants, somehow managing to break a window in the process.
Needless to say, local eyebrows were raised by this foolishness, and everyone in town was talking about it. More and more stories began to emerge about Cage showing up blind drunk in and around the French Quarter making a spectacle of himself. Who knows if any of them were true, but there tends to be fire wherever there’s smoke. And then this latest incident happened and, f-ed up as it may be, I was still willing to give the guy a pass. After all, we all have our demons and our struggles. Who am I to judge? But then word got out that Dog the Bounty Hunter was the guy Cage called to post his $11,000 bond to get out of jail.
“Media from around the world have been requesting interviews with me today after reports surfaced about my posting a bond for actor Nicolas Cage in New Orleans,” DTBH said in a statement. “I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show. This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don’t show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage.”
Now this…this is the last straw, the final indignity. I mean, any self-respecting New Orleans resident has at least one local bail bondsman’s number in their phone. If you’re going to come here and act like a retard, at least have the decency to support the local economy in the process. SO GET THE HELL OUT NIC CAGE!
(Pyramid tomb pic via)