As a writer and a drinker, I probably don’t go a week without coming up with a drunken idea that I think is great, sharing it with friends, having them tell me it’s great, and then going to bed with this awesome idea and the monumental challenge of remembering it the next day. And, of course, I never remember these ideas. The follow-up conversation is always:
Me: “Dude, what was that awesome idea we had for a TV show last night?”
Dude: “Bro, I can’t remember, but it was awesome.”
And you know how I know all those forgotten ideas were actually as awesome as we thought? Because scientists have now told me so. According to studies done in both the U.S. and Britain, smart kids are prone to grow up to be heavy drinkers. And not only do they grow up to be heavy drinkers, but they outdrink dumb kids. So why is mommy’s little Einstein so prone to drink heavily? Three reasons: 1) Evolution; B) Childhood boredom; Tres) To cope with stupid peers. Yes, YES, and YES!!! ME SMART, MAMA! CHUG CHUG!
But mamas, don’t let your smart babies grow up to be drunken postal employees, because you will never get your MENSA applications in on time. A New Jersey postal worker got drunk and decided to blow off his duties of delivering more than 32,000 pieces of mail to a post office because he claimed he was bummed about personal problems. Do we go with the easy joke about his personal problems stemming from living in New Jersey? Or do we go with the easier joke about his personal problems being that he’s a postal employee? Decisions, decisions.
In the meantime, a Canadian government program that lends money to small businesses has been defrauded by an organization that was using more than $4 million spread out over 8 years for throwing lavish parties that involved hookers, booze, and fast cars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Canada! You’re telling me that I can move up there, receive free money to get drunk and pay for hookers, and then go to a clinic for universal health care? *removes hat* Oh Canada, our home and native land!
(Photo via Angie Hill)
- Two studies declare that smart kids grow up as huge drunks. Hic hic hooray! (The Week)
- New Jersey man says he’s got your mail right here. *points to crotch* (Courier Post)
- Canadian government defrauded for hookers, booze. Copycats. (The Star)
- Citing a need to focus on a mature brand like Old Spice, Procter & Gamble has discontinued TAG Body Spray, which means that AXE Body Spray is now your hygienic quick fix overlord. All hail, AXE Body Spray! (Boston.com)
- In perhaps the greatest combination of sad, scary and awesome news ever, Russian bears have been snacking on human corpses in cemeteries because the unusually hot summer has destroyed their natural food sources. I’m calling it now – HUMAN-BEAR ZOMBIES!!! (The Guardian)
- The mean IQ of the world (rough estimate, I’m guessing) was approximately 89.20 in 2000. By 2025 that will have dropped to 87.81 and by 2050 the world’s mean IQ will be around 86.32. You know what that means? Not enough booze to go around. (Fourmilab)
- The percentage of underage drinkers in the US is 60.1%, while 75.1% of kids under 17 are drinking in Canada. Has America just completely fallen behind at everything? (Hubpages)