I’m no Harvard-educated historian, but I like to think I know a thing or two about the origins of Thanksgiving. It all started back in 1776, when Benjamin Franklin and Paul Bunyun came to America from Africa aboard the Titanic. Yada, yada, yada, they scalped some tickets to a Detroit Lions game, everybody had some turkey, and the Native Americans opened some casinos. It’s undoubtedly one of the most perfect and beloved eras of this country’s fine history, but in recent years the joy of this holiday has been overshadowed by the pains of high prices. DAMN YOU, BIG CRANBERRY!!!
According to the American Farm Bureau, the price of Thanksgiving for the average American family rose more than half a dollar this year to an estimated $43.47. Clearly, this price doesn’t included my family’s patented diamond-crusted Faberge egg stuffing. Volunteer shoppers hit supermarkets throughout 34 states to gather comparative evidence and they found that our pockets are a little emptier due to the higher prices of milk and cream. Meanwhile, the actual turkeys that we stuff our bellies with have dropped in price since last year. And that’s great news unless you’re the kind of person who, I don’t know, likes to pay $200 for some sort of designer turkey, but where would we find someone like that?
New York City, actually. People in the Big Apple are paying upwards of $200 for so-called designer turkeys this year, as if regular turkeys didn’t already have a big enough self-confidence problem. Customers are paying anywhere between $11 and $16 per pound for free range turkeys while the lowly peons, who probably don’t even own one monocle let alone one for each day of the week, are settling for – get ready for this – 39 cents per pound and up. I mean, can you even imagine? I don’t even get out of bed to feed my aviary full of Kakapos unless it’s with the seeds of a gold thread cypress.
Maybe you’re spending 50 cents more or maybe you’re spending $200, but the good news is that your gas tank isn’t killing your checking account this Thanksgiving. For the first time in who-knows-how-long, gas prices have remained steady for nearly the entire year throughout the country. Prices have changed on a day-to-day basis, but not drastic enough to make us all freak out and go into a rage-induced panic. At least not on this holiday… *circles Valentine’s Day on calendar*
- Thanksgiving dinner costs a little more this year unless you hate calcium. (WMTV-Portland)
- New Yorkers are paying up to $200 for designer turkeys, because why not? (NY Daily News)
- Gas prices haven’t increased, so you have no excuse not to visit your sweet, crazy mom. (SF Gate)
- A Florida woman became the first known person to camp out for Black Friday earlier this week and a store rewarded her devotion with a free iPad. In related news, Webster’s Dictionary changed the definition of “devotion” to “having no life.” [With Video] (Yahoo! News)
- An Arizona homeless man returned a backpack with $3,300 in it, and received a check for $3,300 from the producers of Forensics File on Tru TV. Meanwhile, I just returned a box full of iPads to an orphanage in case anyone from Apple is feeling generous. (KPHO News)
- When it comes to the kitchen, 53% of Americans claim that they never use disinfectant on their countertops, while 22% admit that they would never pass a food-safety inspection. That’s certainly the case for my famous shards-o-glass and carrot casserole. (Cleveland.com)
- This year’s Thanksgiving is a popular birthday for celebrities, as at least 36 entertainers and political figures celebrate their existence today. Among them: Amy Grant, Dougray Scott, Christina Applegate, John Larroquette, JFK Jr., Erik Sermon and Ricardo Montalbon. (Celebrity Café)