Helping Orangutans Get Some Nookie: Our Highest Calling?

Senior Contributor
10.19.10

"I'm bringing sexy baaaaack..."

Sure, we could report on any of the multitude of disasters, economic crises, and other shenanigans that are happening around the world, but that’s not nearly as funny as monkeys getting it on with the help of human beings.  Or the Swiss digging holes.  So bring on the monkey boning and the Swiss driving their rock-hard drills into holes today in Uproxx News!

First up, those boning monkeys.  Well, apes, really, but nobody cares about that but nerds.  Deal with it.  Anyway, you might be wondering why orangutans, who are already the cuddliest of the cuddly, would need any help getting together.  Well, it’s just like human beings, isolated in their apartments, staring into their computers, wondering what went wrong with their lives and why they ever went to graduate school.  Except instead of the vast gulfs of emotional immaturity or loneliness, it’s because we kinda bulldozed a whole bunch of their habitat and have the orangutans in little isolated patches of forest in-between the bars, timber mills, and McDonalds.  We left the rivers alone…well, OK, not really, but it’s not like you can build a Chuck E. Cheese on a river, we just polluted them, but orangutans can’t swim anyway, so it’s a moot point.  Our bad, dudes.

So essentially, they were sitting alone, in their sad little jungle lofts, doing the monkey equivalent of ordering take-out through Foodler and complaining about their dateless existence on Livejournal, except that was literally destroying their species instead of figuratively doing so.

Enter environmentalists with firehoses.  No, the monkeys didn’t need a bath, at least no more so than usual: they needed a bridge.  The firehoses were strung across rivers and the orangutans have been swinging across to go swinging in another sense, if you know what we mean.  Just recently, it was announced that this plan actually worked, so hooray, monkeys are porking and all is right with the world.

Speaking of ways of getting around, the Swiss, having nothing better to do, have dug the world’s longest tunnel that doesn’t belong to a crappy comedian’s ex-wife (HEY-OHHHHHH!)  Why are the Swiss building really long tunnels?  Well, what else they going to do, it’s not like they run off and fight in wars or anything.

Actually, it’s a $10 billion tunnel to connect some of Europe’s high-speed rail to Switzerland and cut down on the trucks taking a pleasant, diesel-soaked trip through the Alps, and managing to annoy backwards Swiss hicks and annoying billionaire hellspawn alike with their smoke, thunderous noise, and general reminders that they do, in fact, live in a capitalist society.  Oh, and they’re also slowly destroying the Alps.

It took ten years to carve this long, deep hole, and combined with other deep holes the Swiss have, you’ve got basically a country-wide subway.  Now the Germans and Italians just have to actually provide the high-speed rail, but we’re sure that such countries, untroubled by any sort of tumultuous political history of any sort, will be able to get it together and get those trains built, especially that stable Italian government with that nice friendly Silvio Berlusconi.  Nothing can possibly go wrong!

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  • Finally, firehoses are being put to good use, getting apes laid. (Yahoo! News)
  • The Swiss drill a deep, rock-hard, glistening shaft, and don’t make any of the obvious jokes because they’re lame. (Seattle Times)

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  • Hey, what’s long, vicious, possessed of really sharp teeth, and is now apparently learning how to leap out of its natural habitat and have itself a tasty snack of kayaker? A barracuda! Sleep tight while you still can, kids. (Reuters)
  • Meanwhile, because American voters have absolutely nothing serious to do or consider whatsoever, a bunch of butthurt hunters and fishermen want to protect their right to shoot animals in the face or drive sharp objects into their throats in the face of a bunch of smelly hippies, who also have nothing better to do, try to lord their self-righteousness over a bunch of people who don’t care. This is why four states have the “right” to hunt and fish as constitutional amendments on the ballot. Right next to that is a poll question about whether democracy has failed. (Star Phoenix)

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  • There are less than 60,000 orangutans left in the wild. No, that does not mean there are enough for you to have one as a pet. We were there first. (MSNBC).
  • The longest continuous rock tunnel in the world was not made by a bunch of bland-cheese eating Swiss. No, it was made by Americans. The 85-mile Delaware Aqueduct was made by rough, tough, American men to…deliver water to New York City for yuppies to scorn in favor of water shipped from Fiji. Man, we hope those guys were paid well. (Water Watch NYC)

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