Here’s how you too can become a supercentenarian


As you may have heard, the world’s oldest man, Walter Breuning, died a few days ago at the tender age of 114. In the event that you, like me, were wondering what his secret was to becoming one of the few humans to ever reach supercentenarian status, well, today’s your lucky day, because the now-dead living fossil shared his secrets before dying.

According to the AP, Breuning’s recipe for a ridiculously long life are as follows:

— Embrace change, even when the change slaps you in the face. (“Every change is good.”)

— Eat two meals a day (“That’s all you need.”)

— Work as long as you can (“That money’s going to come in handy.”)

— Help others (“The more you do for others, the better shape you’re in.”)

I was really hoping that “masturbate furiously on a daily basis” would be included among Breuning’s recommendations, but I, for one, remain convinced that it is truly the secret fountain of youth. At least that’s what I’ve deluded myself into believing.

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