Geez, Idaho. We never think of Idaho. Not even when we eat potatoes. Not even when their senator gets busted looking for a same sex encounter in an airport bathroom. But apparently it’s going to disappear into the Earth one day, gay senator and all. Heck, it might already have disappeared into the Earth and we just haven’t noticed. But don’t worry, we’ll also explain how scientists are going to kill the rest of us, too, as well as why the inevitable T. Rex attacks will be worse because of their shapely butts.
Idaho’s Giant Crack
First up, Idaho. The forgotten state has become of interest to at least two other people, as they’ve discovered a massive fault in it. No, not the racist separatist groups, an actual fault, a big freaking crack in the earth found in the Northern Rockies that’s forty miles long and looking for a little revenge. Apparently it’s big enough that it could unleash a 7.5 earthquake.
How’d they find it? In about the most awesome way possible: airplanes blasting the landscape with lasers. Unfortunately, we can’t expect the state that fuels our potato chip industry to suddenly become interesting any time soon; apparently in the last 10,000 years, there have been precisely two earthquakes. But they were real humdingers! Boy howdy! We bet whatever animals are boring enough to live in Idaho were absolutely terrified.
Good Lord, how boring does a state have to be that discovering a giant destructive crack in it is something we strain to make interesting?
Science Discovers New Method To Kill Us All
In news that will probably obliterate all of us, not just some potato farmers, anti-matter has been assembled in a meaningful way for the first time. So, yeah, we’re all doomed, and once again, it’s Switzerland’s fault. Way to go, Switzerland. Aren’t you guys supposed to be a bunch of hippies?
Anyway, scientists at CERN have finally been able to pair a positron, the reverse of an electron, with an anti-neutron, which created anti-hydrogen. The particle stuck around long enough to be visible, and also, inexplicably, grew a prominent goatee before disappearing, no doubt into an alternate dimension with a reverse-Hooters. Scientists plan to make more of these, because matter and anti-matter obliterate each other, and there’s no way THAT can go wrong, right?
And, Finally, T Rex Butts
Finally, palentologists with way, way too much time on their hands have discovered that the T. Rex had powerful tail muscles. What did this do for the T. Rex, aside from make it the object of desire for legions of extremely creepy middle-aged dinosaurs making the kind of suggestive gestures that male dinosaurs would get thrown into sensitivity seminars for doing?
It made it able to run really fast, thus allowing it to chase down any prey that happened to be nearby and tasty. The huge, muscular tail also helped the T. Rex keep its balance.
So, yeah, basically, the animal that you grew up thinking was incredibly badass is, actually, incredibly badass. But it’s also possessed of a lot of junk in the trunk. Really, all the T. Rex needs now is a trip through the magic orange skin tone machine, a blow-out, and a jerkass attitude, and it’s ready to make America vomit on “Jersey Shore.”
Wait, it’d probably eat the other…what are they, contestants? This is a good plan. Somebody get us some mosquitoes preserved in amber, and let’s get to cloning!
- There’s a huge crack in Idaho. And no, it’s not Denise Austin’s. Or, maybe it is, she might be depressed that Jillian Michaels replaced her as America’s Scary Chipper Fitness Lady. (CBS News)
- Science creates something with 100 times the energy of a nuclear bomb. This will end well. (PC Magazine)
- T. Rex butts were shamelessly groped by fanfic-writing dinosaurs with lots of cats. (Yahoo! News)
- Actually, we take back all those jokes about Idaho being boring, in light of Berlyn Aussieahshowna. Who is that? Apparently, she’s a transgendered woman who was pretending to be a plastic surgeon, walking up to women in bars, and offering to give them breast exams, right there in the bar. Seriously, Idaho has a female-molesting tranny. Take that, Florida! Not the weirdest state anymore, are ya? (KDSK)
- While we’re on the topic of people with gonads the size of cantaloupes, Janis Nords may not have sold himself as a plastic surgeon, but he’s almost as awesome: between October 15th and November 15th, he went to nine of London’s top restaurants, ran up bills of $1000 to $2000…and then dine n’ ditched ’em. OK, so he got caught in the end, but still, Janis, we raise this fine wine we stole from the other table in salute to you. (Daily Mail)
- Idaho has a population of 1.5 million…and it turns out 14 billion freaking potatoes a year. (Mindfully)
- The biggest earthquake ever was a 9.5 on the Richter scale. What Andy Richter has to do with this is a state secret, but suffice to say, there’s a reason not to trust that jolly fat man. Those warm, sensitive eyes hide a bleak, dangerous secret. (US Geological Survey)