Obama releases long form birth certificate, America jumps the stupid shark

Just a few minutes ago, the president of the United States of America stepped up to the podium in the White House briefing room to discuss his birth certificate. The assembled members of the press in attendance were each holding a copy of said birth certificate, and every television network interrupted its regularly scheduled programing to carry the address live to the nation. And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the precise moment where America reached its stupid vortex. It’s pretty much official now — we’re all just characters in Mike Judge’s Idiocracy. We might as well just go all the way and start watering our plants with Four Loko.

Standing before us all like the lone adult in a room full of unruly children, President Obama calmly explained that the reason he was finally addressing this is because America is basically f*cked, and we’re not going to become unf*cked any time soon if we continue to be “distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers” — a clear shot at human horsesh*t dispenser Donald Trump and the rest of the lowest common denominator-pandering assclowns in the Republican party. He didn’t mention it specifically, but I firmly believe Obama was spurned into action once he learned that the batshit crazy birthers had even begun taking over the message boards on Amazon.com.

“We do not have time for this kind of silliness,” Obama told the nation of drooling buffoons he presides over. “We’ve got better stuff to do. I’ve got better stuff to do.”

And here, AGAIN, is the president’s birth certificate…

Hahaha…KIDDING!!! But don’t you kind of wish this is what Obama would have done instead — just walked up to the podium, extended his arm, stuck out his middle finger, looked into the camera and said, “Tell me how my ass tastes, retards!”

Here’s the actual birth certificate…

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