SEAL Team 6 Rewarded With Free Fleshlight Masturbation Aids

Editor-in-Chief
05.11.11

Somehow I completely missed the whole Fleshlight thing. I only found out about them — jerkoff aids for men that are essentially pocket p*ssies stuffed inside of flashlight canisters (get it, “flesh”-“light”?) — recently, but they seem kinda cool. Personally, I have a hard time seeing myself sticking my dick inside of one, though I’ll admit that I’m curious, but whatever — women have vibrators, so it’s only fair that men have some sort of advanced self-pleasure aids available to them, right?

More than anything, I think they’re funny. I mean, I can’t help but laugh when I look at the pictures of them. They’re just so absurd, especially fleshlights that come in the shape of buttholes and mouths. I also think it’s hilarious that they custom make them to look and feel, or so they claim, like the lady parts of some of today’s popular porn stars, like Misty Stone pictured above. AND YOU CAN BUT THESE ON THE INTERNET AND HAVE THEM SHIPPED TO YOUR DOORSTEP! That’s just great. What an amazing time in which we live.

With all of that said, the skill and courage exhibited by the members of Navy SEAL team 6, the elite special forces brigade that raided Osama Bin Laden’s compound last weekend, may not make them any wealthier, but they can now at least get themselves off a little easier when they’re sequestered off in God-forsaken points across the globe far away from their wives and girlfriends, or boyfriends for that matter, thanks to the fine folks who make Fleshlights — the company is sending the squad a free shipment of Fleshlights.

“We want to thank the Navy SEALs for their efforts,” Fleshlight COO Brian Shubin said in a press release announcing the donation. “For their courage, and the fact that they risked their lives to protect our freedom, we hope they will appreciate our gifts.”

How could they not?

Mother Jones’ Adam Weinstein, himself a Navy veteran, says that the American military hierarchy forbids porn in war zones, but sex toys are apparently all good.

As a Navy and Iraq vet, I can personally vouch for the popularity of (Fleshlights)…and far, far, worse…in the fleet and downrange. General Order 1 (PDF), the overarching conduct code for soldiers deployed in the war zones, forbids porn. But it says nothing about gadgetry. (Mind you, I always wondered about the guys who mail-ordered this stuff from the US while in a war zone. Specifically, I wondered what the postal screeners and package X-rayers thought. Something like, “Hey, as long as it’s not explosive, it’s all good.”)

A Fleshlight, by the way, is pretty much what it sounds like it is. Looks like a flashlight, feels (I was told, by an enthusiastic contractor colleague of mine in Baghdad) like a certain fleshy lady part. If you really want to know what one looks like, here you go. On the company’s website, you can build your own, patterned after specific actresses’ (or your willing loved one’s) fleshy parts, or you can opt for the “alien” toy. Don’t ask.

God bless America!

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