Walk like a man
A gorilla who became internet famous when videos of him walking upright went viral on YouTube was given presents to celebrate his 21st birthday this week. Ambam the Silverback gorilla received presents filled with food in his enclosure at the Port Lympne Wild Animal Park in England. The 485 lb (220 kg) endangered gorilla wasn’t trained to walk upright, but he does so regularly. Like a boss. Some people at first speculated he was actually a person in a gorilla suit, but we here at Uproxx know he’s a real gorilla and, furthermore, all gorillas walk upright like that when we’re not looking. We’re onto you, gorillas. You can’t hide in that mist forever.
I’m gonna move southern California.
A disturbing video was captured of a man completely engulfed in flames running out of a private booth in a San Francisco porn shop. The man ran out of the shop and into the street, possibly attempting a reenactment of a Spike Jones music video. Luckily there were firefighters only a block away who were able to help him; he’s currently in the hospital with severe burns covering 90% of his body. Some witnesses speculated the man was smoking crack, went all “Richard Pryor in 1980” in the porn booth, then just plum forgot to stop, drop, and roll (cocaine is a hell of a drug). Whether or not that was actually the case remains to be seen, but just in case, it’s worth mentioning that crack cocaine is bad, mmmkay?
Oh, so that’s not street legal?
Meanwhile in China, a man was pulled over for driving two bright yellow bumper cars at the same time on a busy road in Taizhou, Zhejiang Province. The man was straddling both cars with one leg in each car operating the foot pedals and one arm on each steering wheel. When police pulled him over, he explained that it was the cheapest way to transport the cars to a nearby theme park. Police had to let him off with a warning because for some reason there wasn’t a law on the books explaining how much to fine someone for operating a bumper car illegally. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to buy a plane ticket and ghostride a bumper car while it’s still legal in Taizhou.
- Gorilla who walks upright celebrates his 21st birthday. (pictures at BWE, video of him walking upright at BBC)
- Man “engulfed in flames” at porn shop. (Asylum, CBS, video at Buzzfeed)
- Simultaneously driving two bumper cars on a busy street will get you pulled over in China. Good to know. (video at Newslite)
- Here’s the we see what you did there headline of the week: “Well-Endowed Apollo Statue to Be Re-Erected in France”. (AOL)
- An Indonesian politician who helped enact a draconian anti-porn law was caught on camera watching porn for several minutes during a parliamentary debate. He has resigned and may also be prosecuted under the same anti-porn law he supported. Comeuppance. (TheDailyWhat)
- A couple in the UK who are expecting their first child were surprised to receive an ASBO (anti-social behavior order) from the government ordering them to attend a meeting with the police to discuss their son’s gang activity. That’s one sneaky fetus, joining a gang and prowling the park without his mom noticing. (Arbroath)
- For all us Americans, taxes are due this Monday. They weren’t due on the 15th this time because it was Emancipation Day in the District of Columbia. D.C. doesn’t have representation in Congress, but the IRS still honors their holiday. Well, all right. Whatever buys us a few extra days sounds okay. And if you can’t afford to pay the tax man ’cause you spent all your money on birthday presents for gorillas, you can still file Form 4868 for an extension. The most common reasons people cite for filing an extension are lack of the needed paperwork (36%), a new tax situation they’re trying to figure out (26%), and procrastination (18%). Oddly, TurboTax didn’t explain in their infographic how many of those extensions were gorilla-related.
- PleatedJeans continues his yearly tradition of telling us how different animals are spending their tax returns. This year, giraffes are spending 66% of their returns on really long scarves (hipsters) and 1% of turtles are buying cheese pizza and nunchucks. It’s true! (More totally true animal tax return facts here.)