There are two major groups of people who stumble upon videos of independent pro wrestlers doing goofy sh*t:
1. Wrestling nerds. They’ll see a video (or a gif) shortly after it happens while they’re browsing their favorite wrestling forum, stuck somewhere between the petulant name-calling and the latently homosexual discussions about whether or not wrestlers have “the look”.
2. Sports writers who don’t watch wrestling (meaning they infrequently tune in to Raw) who can’t believe what they’re seeing, toss a “viral video” tag on the clip and share it to millions of like-minded individuals despite the fact that its like four years old and everybody who likes wrestling has seen it.
This happened in a big way earlier this year when a clip of the Osirian Portal using hypnosis on their opponents and causing a colossal dance party started getting covered on everything resembling Deadspin as the “most illegal move in wrestling move in history!” and again a few months later when “amazing 9-year old wrestler” Mr. No. 6 (who was six when the video first went up, hence the name) showed up on Jimmy Traina’s Hot Clicks. G4’s “Attack of the Show” has gotten into the antiquated pro wrestling clip game by featuring Chuck Taylor trying to kill ant-themed wrestlers “The Colony” with an invisible grenade. It’s funny, and you should watch it whether you like wrestling or not.
The only problem is that … well, the video is old. How old? The black and blue ant in the middle hasn’t wrestled in two years. But sure enough I saw it turn up in Burnsy’s Facebook feed yesterday with the caption “incredible”.
So! I’m going to do Attack of the Show a huge favor. Please enjoy 20 additional old independent wrestling clips that folks like Burnsy haven’t seen but might think are funny. You can use them on your show and get the awesome folks at CHIKARA (and everywhere else) free publicity, and all I ask in exchange is Chris Hardwick’s autograph on a Singled Out t-shirt and Olivia Munn’s phone number. Don’t get the wrong idea, I want to call her and tell her she isn’t funny.
In addition to invisible hand grenades, the most important thing you need to know about Chuck Taylor is that he’s an enemy to all small children. He takes pride in making kids in the audience cry, and if they gave belts for terrorizing the innocent he’d be the World Champion.
Watch in amazement as Chuck gets two kids at once, completely by accident.
Proof that if you’re small, you shouldn’t get out of your seat when Chuck is wrestling.
He’s the hottest thing in wrestling right now, but before CM Punk was a WWE revolutionary he was a pissed off indy wrestler who wasn’t afraid to mess with you. Watching this video should give you a good idea why I wasn’t surprised or disappointed when he called somebody in Australia a homo and got in trouble for it with GLAAD. I wonder if GLAAD heard him call this lady a “stupid inbred motherf**king idiot”?
In another great moment from pre-fame CM Punk, he wrestles occasional TNA star Homicide in a strip club and takes a few choice seconds to scream at strippers for being whores. Again, contextually, homo, not that bad.
Also there was the time CM Punk was a giant chipmunk. Wait, what?
(note: the best part is Punk’s old ROH entrance theme sped up to sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks are singing it)
CHIKARA clips online aren’t complete without Player Uno, a video game themed wrestler with a pause button on his shorts who does things like this.
And this.
Context:
– Player Uno is a guy from video games.
– Delirious is a wrestler who speaks in a confusing, mumbled non-language
– Delirious gets under Player Uno’s skin by suggesting a variety of video game systems (including Neo Geo) are better than the NES
– Delirious takes it too far.
In case you worried wrestlers took their jobs too seriously, here’s a match wrestled in slow motion.
I was lucky enough to be in the crowd for the reprise. This one is better than the first, if only for the slow motion commentary.
The woman who would eventually be my girlfriend getting scared by a guy pretending to be a snake. I’m a lucky guy, and surrounded by enablers.
This one isn’t “funny” so much as it is “awesome”, but if some blonde they got to replace Munn wants to ask the Not Tosh guy if he thinks that was real or fake, she should go for it.
Wrestling is fake, yes, but if the fake wrestler kicks you hard enough, you’re going to for real vomit. This would actually be great for Tosh, now that I’ve mentioned it. Somebody send that to him.
If the CP Munk video was your favorite so far, you’re going to love DRAGON DRAGON, a literal wrestling dragon. Seeing Dragon Dragon’s epic return in person last year is one of my favorite wrestling memories. Cracks me the hell up.
If you’ve been looking for wacky dancing, look no further than The Human Tornado.
See, I’m covering real sports. This is basketball. (and that’s WWE’s Evan Bourne)
Sometimes wrestling moves have goofy names, like a “flapjack”. Sometimes those moves become dangerously literal. The action starts at around the 3 minute mark, in case my coding is terrible.
If real wrestlers can use thumbtacks as a weapon, a man made out of ice cream can use sprinkles, right?
And finally, a video that takes 20 minutes to watch and will give you motion sickness. The biggest big swing ever, done to a little guy dressed as a lumberjack.
