Worst: They’re damn real
Angelina Love and Velvet Sky are backstage to address how ridiculous it is that they have to wrestle other wrestlers to accomplish things in wrestling, which in a roundabout way gets Velvet Sky to drop that her boobs “are real. They’re damn real.”
Sigh. I know, I know. I heard it too. Here’s some music:
If there are two things I’m not going to keep Brandon from writing about, it’s GLOW and Battles Royal. Well, and Bram, but that’s just him being nice and saving my brain from completely collapsing in on itself.
Best: A Battle Royal! And It’s For THINGS!
The funny thing about Impact is that the YouTube clip of the match starts with the final four guys in the ring, but with their roster size you could believe that’s as many people as they could spare for a battle royal. You know, unless they van’d in Balls Mahoney and The Hurricane or whoever to do a nostalgia spot.
And yes, by “nostalgia spot” I mean “win all the titles.”
(Danielle’s note: Hardcore Justice is coming up, so please don’t encourage them, Brandon)
Worst: Jeff Hardy Letting Go Of The Willow Gimmick
Danielle’s already covered this at length, but since I’m guest-writing the battle royal, I have to ask … what’s the difference between Jeff Hardy and Willow? Angle wanted him to let go of Willow and be himself, and here he is with dreadlocks, all black clothes, black armbands and his face painted like a tree. What makes him Willow? Monochrome? An umbrella? Is Willow just less of an aging 90s raver? Has Willow moved on from the reality of Gadzooks going out of business?
(Danielle’s note: Bad Umaga cosplay is my vote.)
Worst: The Worst Battle Royal Square-Off Ever
One of the best parts of any WWE battle royal is the HERE’S TWO GUYS YOU WANNA SEE FIGHT REALIZING THEY’RE ABOUT TO FIGHT moment. Sometimes it’s reserved for the huge guys like Big Show or Mark Henry. They see each other across the ring and sloooowly walk to the middle, and the crowd’s all YEAH SHIT’S BOUT TO GET HOSSY. Sometimes it’s for big stars, or for emphasis at the end of the match. Shawn Michaels and Undertaker did this masterfully. Sometimes it’s just an exciting situation … see Rusev and Roman Reigns as the final two guys on the Money in the Bank qualifying battle royal on Raw a few weeks ago.
SPEAKING OF A THING THAT WAS ON RAW TWO WEEKS AGO
The final two men in the battle royal are (surprise) Eric Young and Jeff Hardy. When it’s down to just them, they stall and walk around in circles and dance. I thought they were gonna start breaking. This is not what I want from my hossy big finish staredown. Hands are shook and shirts are removed, and Young ends up taking his Weeble Wobble bump off the apron to give Hardy the win.
Next week, ECW’s biggest match of 2006 happens! Don’t miss it!