The Best And Worst Of Main Event 7/15/14: Hollywood Miz Mizanin

Yes, a Main Event B&W is happening, so unless Saturday Morning Slam quietly returned (I wish) we’re officially recapping every WWE program with actual new wrestling content here on With Spandex.

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A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.

Best: Spelled S-U-N

Hoo-boy, is this what Tuesday night promos are going to be like? I like The Miz’s new character a lot (like probably way too much) so I enjoyed this segment, but man was he putting zero effort into his promo. The dude literally pulled a wad of printer paper out of his pocket, unfolded it and read from a script for five minutes. I’m informed this was probably a reference to the Lebron James stuff (pah, real sports) but that doesn’t make lines  about how the Miz “walked, ran and cried” in Cleveland any less dorky. Then again, I guess it’s fairly plausible that Miz spent most of his time in Cleveland just walking around crying.

And hey, there’s no way I’m going to Worst the segment where Miz debuted his adorably clunky new catchphrase, “I’m The Miz, I’m From Hollywood, and I’m [dramatic pause] A STAR.” Yeah, the Vancouver/Louisiana part of Hollywood.

Best: Sheamus Actually Made Me Laugh?

I was bracing hard for a barrage of YOU’RE A HOLLYWEIRD PUSSY FELLA jokes when Sheamus came stomping out, but instead he dropped the wonderfully absurd burn that he hopes Miz drives back to Hollywood and then keeps driving right into the Pacific Ocean. What? Now I can’t get the image of The Miz just barrelling through Venice Beach, top down, scattering body builders everywhere, then disappearing into the surf, never to be seen again. A pair of sunglasses and a hairspray slick on the top of the water would be all he’d leave behind.

Best: Cameron’s New Music

Holy shit! Where’s my glow sticks?! Sadly Cameron’s new entrance music hasn’t been uploaded online yet, but trust me when I say, it should have been Bo Dallas’ music, because it’s muthaflippin’ inspiring.

Best: Emma Steals One!

Emma sighting! Everyone was happy when her future endeavoring was reversed, but we haven’t really seen any evidence that she’s still with the company since. So phew, she still here, doing the slightly sad Tuesday night version of her entrance (I guess bubbles aren’t in the Main Event budget).

The match itself wasn’t bad. I’ve thought for a while now that Cameron is actually, kinda pretty okay, and Emma is top notch (despite being a bit dead behind the eyes these days) so this was solid. I also enjoy Naomi on commentary — she prioritized booty shaking over talking for the past couple years, so she’s kind of charmingly unpolished and real on the mic. It will probably be beat out of her soon, so enjoy it now.

Main Event Status: Hmmm, so Santino’s former platonic girlfriend vs. Naomi’s former not-so-platonic girlfriend (touching butts with someone 1000 times means you’ve officially consummated the relationship, look it up).I’ll be generous and say this was 1/100th of a main event.

Best: History When It Isn’t Required

So, needless to say I wasn’t terribly enthused by the prospect of Randomly Assembled Kofi Kingston Black Guy Tag Team #14380 vs. Rybaxel, but then, early in the match, Curtis Axel and Big E got in the ring and locked eyes, and the announcers reminded us that they once feuded over the Intercontinental Championship. That feels like a lifetime ago, and they totally didn’t need to bring it up, but it made the match so much better. Suddenly it wasn’t Rusev job guy vs. the Jannetty of the company’s saddest tag team, but two accomplished, competent wrestlers with history vying for supremacy.

The match also got a ton of time, which is kind of what I was hoping for when I signed up to recap Main Event — guys who never get more than 5-minutes on Raw or Smackdown getting to stretch their legs a bit. The extra time really let Rybaxel showcase their gooberiness (the bit where they drop dozens of rote, totally un-impactful knees on Big E in the corner was great) and the crowd even broke into un-ironic “We want Kofi!” chants at one point. Hopefully this midcarders having fun and looking good continues to be a theme of these reports.

Main Event Status: The only guy in the match to ever be a legit main eventer is Ryback, but now he just might be the mostly lowly of the bunch. Big E isn’t anywhere near main event status, but he should be. We’ll say this is 10% of the way to being a main event, but, you know, a real solid 10%.

Best: Miz Face

Welp, it’s official — we have a new Miz Girl.

Worst: Even-Steven Booking When It Isn’t Required

Dammit, I was hoping for an all-Bests show to kick off these Main Event recaps, but this match was a major step down from the Sheamus/Miz match on Raw. This one was just way too focused on the “Miz protects his face” comedy spots. The idea shouldn’t be that The Miz is legitimately afraid to get hit, because that’s stupid — he’s been wrestling for years (and being regularly hit for probably years before that). The NOT THE FACE! stuff should be a ploy he uses to throw his opponents off and score cheap victories, not the only thing he does in the ring.

Also, this match just had to end in Sheamus rolling Miz up to avenge his loss on Raw. Guys, if Miz had won again, nobody would have thought any worse of Sheamus, because it’s Main Event. What happens on Main Event, stays on Main Event — well, until now.

Main Event Status: Until recently Sheamus was the untouchable Irish John Cena and The Miz did main event a Wrestlemania and has returned refreshed from his latest movie-filming hiatus. I’ll say this was at least a third of the way to being a legit main event.

Final Main Event Tally: Okay, let’s see, convert that faction to a decimal, and that decimal to a percent, carry the one, and add some bonus points for being a mostly Bests show. Hmmmm, I’m going to say this episode of Main Event made it 50% of the way towards earning its title. Better luck next time!

So guys, like the new Main Event B&W? Dig the Main Event Status gimmick? Don’t forget to share the report, and then hit the comments to discuss!

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