Where does one find amazing pants like that? The big and bloated thighs store?
Pre-show Notes:
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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.
Worst: Arm Trophies
Man, I am not that into angry badass face Dean Ambrose’s promos. I’ve seen the YouTube videos — I know he’s capable of better than this. He talks high, the he talks loooow and he clenches his fists and makes faces like he’s got something stuck in one of his back teeth. It’s, sadly, already pretty rote. Speaking of rote, here comes Alberto Del Rio! You shouldn’t be worried about the person you’re feuding with, you should be worried about Alberto Del Rio, tonight! When was the last time he said anything that wasn’t this? Feels like it’s been years. I did like Alberto threatening to literally break off Ambrose’s arm and mount it above his fireplace though — finally, something to compliment his Rey Mysterio arm trophy.
So, after some by-the-books tough talk, Alberto hauls off and kicks Ambrose once in the bad shoulder and then retreats. Weak. Why would you ever just kick a guy in the shoulder once? If it worked once keep doing it until it stops working I say.
Best: This Upsets Me
The Usos vs. Rybaxel was solid, but at this point the match is kind of the Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler of the tag division. Thankfully, Xavier Woods was on commentary to make this segment a winner (who thought I’d be typing those words a couple weeks ago?)
Xavier’s new character is perfect for him in theory, but I wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to back it up on the mic. Well, consider those fears allayed. Xavier was top-notch on commentary, clearly and concisely explaining what his new team is all about, while deflecting the Main Event commentator’s C-team attempts at Michael Cole style bullying.
WWE is doing a very smart little sidestep with Xavier’s group — the obvious, intentional subtext is that these guys are upset about WWE’s treatment of black performers, but the actual text coming out of Xavier’s mouth is that they’re upset about how WWE treats their midcard performers. WWE’s treatment of black performers is spotty, but their treatment of anybody they haven’t designated a top star is even worse, so it works.
Main Event Status: Oh right, there was a match here. I seem to give all Ryback matches 10%, so 10%.
Best: The Jakked Special
SLATER GATOR vs. Zack Ryder and Tyson Kidd was the most Jakked match to happen thus far in my Main Event reviewing run, but that’s okay. I loved Jakked. Like most non-southern kids I was a WWF fan in the 80s, but tapered off on wrestling in the early 90s. I always knew it was fake, but it started to feel really super fake once I started to approach my teen years, and pretty quickly I went from desperately wanting a Hulk Hogan backpack, to pitying the kid that still had the Hulk Hogan backpack.
I didn’t stay away for long though. When TBS first started showing up on Canadian cable packages in the mid-90s, I finally had access to this WCW thing I’d heard so much about, and cautiously began sampling WCW Saturday Night. I eventually worked WWF Shotgun in as well. Forget Monday’s, Saturdays were my wrestling binge night, and it wasn’t the NWO or Attitude Era that got me back into wrestling, it was “Hole In One” Darsow and Mideon wrestling for nothing on shows nobody watched.
So yeah, as long as Main Event doesn’t become all this stuff, I’m perfectly okay with a Jakked special or two a week.
Main Event Status: This was about as far from a main event as you can get. I really should break out the negative numbers for the first time for this one, but I’ll be generous and give this a .0001(give or take a zero).
Worst: I Swear, If I Wasn’t Being Paid To Watch…
A Randy Orton promo? Are you taunting me WWE? This week on Smackdown, a 10-minute test pattern!
Best: Ambrose vs. Del Rio
This wasn’t as sleep inducing as I thought it’d be. Del Rio has been on a particularly dull streak as of late, but he seemed to be feeling it tonight. The easiest way to tell if good, motivated Del Rio showed up to work today is if he starts hitting guys with that nice, crisp German suplex of his. Ambrose, for his part, was an endless font of weird faces and goofy selling (although he’s kind of overdoing the rope rebound into a clothesline spot). So yeah, good stuff, right up until…
Worst: Screwjob Finishes on Main Event
Oh come on, did Seth Rollins need to show up here? Main Event is supposed to be the place where nothing really matters and matches are allowed to end conclusively without bullshit DQs or distraction finishes. Keep your dirty storylines out of my Main Event.
Main Event Status: Alberto may be as cold as ice right now, but he’s still treated with a certain amount of dignity, and Ambrose is a hot ex-Shield guy, so let’s say this was 50% of the way to being a real main event.
Final Main Event Tally: Only three matches this week, and one of them was statistically irrelevant, so, 10 + 50 = 60%. You better step it up next week, Main Event.
