Worst: We Are No Longer Wild Or Young
Here’s your season 3 opening theme, ‘You Make The Rain Fall’ by Kevin Rudolf featuring Naomi’s close personal friend Flo Rida. American Bang’s ‘Wild And Young’ would not return until the intro to season 4. NXT without ‘Wild And Young’ is like NXT without yellow ropes.
Worst: 5 Minutes In And We’re Already Talk The Talk Challenging
WWE has disabled embedding on a lot of the old NXT clips, so please, watch this here: [YouTube]
One of the weirdest things about NXT season 3 is how the rookies are all Divas, which means they must be “sexy” at all times. So whenever the Kevin Rudolf song plays, everybody has to do that bob-in-place club dance. When Striker’s trying to get everybody in place to do the introductions the cast looks like a f*cking shelf of bobbleheads. STAND STILL.
Anyway, the rookie Divas are given a chance to introduce themselves with a short promo, and as you might expect, it goes wonderfully.
- First up is Kaitlyn. I feel like I need to point out two quick things about her:
1. “Kaitlyn” is one of the worst WWE names ever. It’s just a lady’s name, sure, but Kaitlyn’s got that Ricky Steamboat thing happening where her real name is already SUPER PERFECT for wrestling. Ricky Steamboat’s shoot name is “Richard Blood.” Kaitlyn’s name is CELESTE BONIN. How do you find a bodybuilder Diva whose name is Celeste goddamn Bonin and think “regular lady name” is the better call? And it’s not even just for the sex jokes! You could’ve given her Bob Backlund’s finish and called it the Bonin Chickenwing.
Even worse, her first name change in FCW was from Celeste to “Ricki Vaughn.” SHE HAD A MAJOR LEAGUE NAME AND THEY CHANGED IT.
2. Kaitlyn had been in WWE developmental for a grand total of two months when this episode aired. That is … not enough time to get somebody ready to wrestle professionally on television. So in addition to being as terrible as a person with two months of training ever would be wrestling OTHER trainees in front of 12,000 people and on live television, she’s asked to cut these hacky promos about how she’s “more than just the girl next door.” I feel like if Aloisia had just panned out and not been a gamma-radiated Mindy Cohn death machine, Kaitlyn would’ve gestated in developmental for a while and gotten really, really good.
- The first Kaitlyn promo is so bad that Vickie makes her do it again. I think the joke was supposed to be that Vickie is mean and demanding, but the promo was actually super bad, so demanding an are you f*cking kidding me do-over seemed reasonable.
- I cannot make jokes about Aksana promos. Here is her introduction in its entirety.
“Hello Baltimore! Dobble dobble E Universe, it’s my pleasure to introduce myself to all of you. I like to call myself a Billion Dollar Baby from Lithuania, Aksana. You see, Aksana here not by mistake, Aksana here because she follows her dreams and her heart. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she talented, she gorgeous [something in Lithuanian] [I think?] She loves her DOGS, she loves to go to the CHIM, and her favorite color is black and gold, like her pro. The second generation superstar, Goldust. So! Double double U Universe, let me entertainment you!”
They should’ve sent a poet.
- Maxine’s promo is about how she has three senses — a business sense, street sense and common sense. I wish Maxine’s character was that she was deaf and blind and couldn’t feel, smell or taste anything. But she’s great at business!
Note: she did not have the fashion sense to button up her shirt.
- A.J. outguns the other girls by a mile with a semi-sincere promo about how she wants to be Women’s Champion and have an action figure (both of which came true, semantics aside). It ends with one of those terrible there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it bullet points they tell you to hit in promo class, but we eventually found out that AJ’s crazy and manipulative, so it works.
- I have seen characters on the It’s A Small World ride that are more convincing human beings than Jamie.
So! We’re done introducing ourselves. Time to get to the first match of the night, right?
NOPE, DANCE CONTEST.
Worst: Oh God, The Dance Contest
Before we see even one of these women wrestle, we launch into a dance contest built around how funny it is to watch Michael Cole, Tony Chimel and Josh Mathews dance with Divas. It’s a little more tolerable with the goofy music that YouTube user dubbed in. Kaitlyn does the robot. Somewhere in my most blissful imagination, the Nexus hits the ring and wrecks everybody in it.
By the end of the dance contest we are 25 minutes into the show.
Worst: And Now, Three Minutes Of Terrible Wrestling
After all of that, we jump into a tag team match pairing Kelly Kelly and Naomi up against Alicia Fox and Maxine. I’m gonna tell you what the finish was, and I want you to remember that this is the FIRST MATCH on the FIRST EPISODE of the season: Naomi goes for a small package on Maxine, Alicia Fox runs in to push them over and reverse it but doesn’t push them hard enough, Kelly Kelly Lou Thesz presses her and the referee counts to three. End of the match. Only, Naomi and Maxine know something ELSE is supposed to be the finish, so they keep wrestling. I’m not making this up.
A few seconds later Naomi does a vertical suplex, kinda awkwardly floats over into a lateral press and suddenly realizes that the referee is yelling STOP WRESTLING in her face.
Worst: Maxine Driver ’10
Earlier in the match, Maxine goes for a Bronco Buster. Notice I did not say “hits.”
Instead of doing a normal Bronco Buster and bouncing up and down with her crotch in Naomi’s face, Maxine Bronco Busts Naomi around the body. She ends up sitting in Naomi’s lap not knowing what to do, but she’s gotta do SOMETHING, so she HUGS NAOMI’S HEAD AND STARTS SCREAMING.
As I mentioned, Maxine became a very good part of the show. Unbelievably, however, this is not Maxine’s worst match of the season.
Worst: Guess What Happens In The Second Match?
The second (and only other) match of the show is Primo and AJ against Goldust and Aksana. I like the idea of pairing up the rookies with pros in tag matches like this so the rookies can learn and work with someone experienced, but man, asking the rookie Divas to be involved in complex finishes on night 1 when the EXPERIENCED Divas of 2010 are hot garbage was probably asking too much.
Remember like two paragraphs ago when Naomi and Maxine were junking up the finish to their match? The finish here is supposed to be AJ coming off the ropes and hitting a casadora bulldog on Aksana. The problem is that Askana can neither say nor understand la casadora, so AJ just kinda limply dropkicks her in the thighs and Aksana weakly bearhugs her on the way down. It’s like watching a baby try to climb steps. They repeat the spot a few moments later and hey, la casadora goes well, but instead of falling WITH AJ Askana falls BEFORE her, and AJ basically powerbombs the shit out of herself. WRRRRRRRRRRRESTLING!
Best: Vickie vs. AJ Begins, Or
Best: The Birth Of The Chickbusters, Kinda
Vickie interrupts the post-match celebration to make Kaitlyn do her THIRD introduction speech (which is pretty hilarious), and two WWE moments of varying importance begin: Vickie’s ongoing blood feud with AJ Lee, and the friendship between AJ and Kaitlyn.
Primo is like HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING CUT IT OUT COME ON, but AJ just straight up tells Vickie to shut up and leave. Vickie yells SIC HER to Kaitlyn (also hilarious), and Kaitlyn tries a clumsy bodyslam. AJ slips out and shoves Kaitlyn into Vickie. Vickie sells it by lying motionless for a moment, suddenly throwing a huge shaky temper tantrum and bailing. Thank you for trying your best to save NXT 3, Vickie. I’m sorry your rookie wasn’t a 7-foot tall Jillian from ‘Workaholics’ like it was supposed to be.
Later This Season:
A series of deep sighs.
I want more like this!
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