With the rerun apathy of Monday Night Raw threatening to beat us within an inch of our lives IT’S THE ASSUMPTIVE WWE SMACKDOWN SPOILERS REPORT, our preemptive recap of a show that is just warmed-up Raw leftovers. Awesome. Cool.
If you don’t read the Smackdown spoilers report — and, frankly, none of you do — here’s how it works. We go to a copy-paste Wrasslin’ Newz site, copy and paste over the first spoilers report we find and affix it with conjecture and speculation like we were there and watched it ourselves. You get all the snark that comes with watching Smackdown without having to watch Smackdown.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
- Dean Ambrose won the Beat The Clock Challenge against Seth Rollins on Monday, so he gets to pick the stipulation for their match at SummerSlam. His choice: a lumberjack match. I would’ve went with an “if anybody other than me and Seth Rollins interfered they’re fired forever and I get to literally set them on fire” match, but maybe you have to choose from a list. As a consolation prize, Seth Rollins gets to choose Ambrose’s opponent for tonight and it’s The Viper Randy Orton. I would’ve went with 30-on-1 handicap match, but maybe you have to choose from a list.
- Sin Cara defeated Damien Sandow. Sandow cracked up the local crowd by dressing up as Crippling Sadness.
- Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler. Not a lot of info on this in the copy-paste, so I’ll guess Miz distracted Ziggler, causing Summer Rae, Layla, Hornswoggle and El Torito to magically appear via Twilight Portal above Ziggler’s head and fall on him, crushing him and allowing Rollins to get the pin. Or Rollins won clean in 2 minutes to retroactively make Cesaro look super helpless.
- Paige defeated Natalya. The dirt sheet report adds “in Divas action,” which is a helpful clarification.
- Rybaxel defeated Stardust and Goldust.
- Chris Jericho talked about about Bray Wyatt. Here’s a transcript I just made up: “At SummerSlam I have a match with Bray Wyatt. Whenever I come out here and try to wrestle, I get close to winning and the lights go out. When they come back on, three guys are in the ring and attack me. They never seem to announce the result of the match. It just ends. So, uh, here’s what I’m gonna do … I’m gonna start this lawnmower at the beginning of my promos and matches, and if the lights go out I’m gonna pick it up and spin it around in circles in the darkness. If the lights come back on and the ring’s filled with guts, that’s not my fault.”
- Dean Ambrose vs. Randy Orton ended in a No Contest. WHAT. NO. The match suddenly ends when Seth Rollins shows up, causing a big melee with everybody fighting. If WWE had an actual ranking system for wins and losses, all the main event guys would be at the bottom and like, Diego would be the #1 contender because he’s always trouncing people on Superstars.
And that’s our show!
Let us know what you think will happen on Smackdown (make it up, who cares) in our comments section below. Also, share the column so that others may be spoiled and do something productive with their Friday night.