The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 8/27/14: BORE! BORE! BORE!

By: 08.28.14


Worst: The TNA style guide

“Hey Steve, what do you think the best font would be to really help convey that you can rub one out to these ladies 365 days a year?”

“I dunno, how about that one that looks like a little kid wrote it?”


Worst: Oh ladies…ladies, no…

Who’s excited for Jessicka Havok to show up in TNA? Anyone who watched this match from start to finish. BOOM ROASTED.

But seriously, let’s take a second and pretend I didn’t just type BOOM ROASTED, and this is a real wrestling column about real wrestling. I’ve spoken very highly of Taryn Terrell in the past. Scratch that – I’ve spoken very highly about her effort in the past. She is the physical embodiment of a Hot Mess, sure, but at least she goes all in on something people usually only go teensy-weensy-tippy-toes in on? She doesn’t even have that going for her this week. Her high cross body is maybe the best thing she does, and even that looks looks more like a myotonic goat got startled while climbing the turnbuckle. Madison Rayne is fully going through the motions, but making it very clear that she is setting up and waiting to go through every single one.

Also, isn’t she supposed to be a good guy? What’s she doing using a leverage pin? Veteran professional wrestling babyface Madison Rayne equipping dirty pin is like Clean Victory Bobby Lashley letting Kenny King try to hold down Dreamer. Just no recollection of who they are or what they do from week to week. Just write it on your hand if you forget. Or Stiffler’s shiny dome. He’s always around somewhere.

Look, here’s Brandon! Just can’t keep that guy away (when me eating a sandwich and making fart noises at Manik over Voxer is about all I can muster for critical commentary).

Best/Worst: And Now It’s YOUR Turn!

For better or worse, this is what my heart wants from the TNA X-Division: bonkers, consequence-free jumping and falling where nobody sells, everyone looks like a Sanrio character and more time’s spent doing “get ready for my next thing” taunts than pro wrestling.

There’s a place for it, I guess. It’s the 2014, ADD-ridden successor to WCW’s baller cruiserweight division from the 90s. There, smaller guys would work long matches in creative ways, building a style all their own to the point that you could have legitimate arguments about who was better, Dean Malenko or the WCW Champ. The answer was always Dean Malenko. TNA’s top talent are mostly ex-WWE guys and a scattered collection of decade-old ROH types, so their “cruiserweight division” being a box of crayons somebody spilled on the floor and accidentally kicked around is perfect.

If TNA wanted to make a great video game, they’d watch this match and recreate it. If I was playing this instead of watching it, oh man, I’d be having so much fun. Low Ki and Homicide are there, and there’s a purple cat man and a sassy DJ with a mohawk and for some reason a clown won’t stop bouncing up and down on the ropes. Manik is there too, which makes sense because he’s FROM a video game. All they need is powerups falling from the ceiling to make it better. Is that what Ultimate X is?

A Serious Best: Low Ki’s Doublestomp Counter To Manik’s Gutbuster

That’s the first time I’ve watched TNA in AGES and went HAHA WHOA WHAT. If TNA wants a license to print money they should hire Ricochet, ACH, Rich Swann, AR Fox and all the Dragon Gate youngboys and say “you only get paid if we see something we’ve never seen before.”

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