Worst: Who Will XSCAPE?
The main event of the evening is a SIX SIDES OF STEELS match where six people compete to prove they’re worthy to be TNA Heavyweight Champion by being able to run away and stop wrestling better than anyone. For me, the highlight of the match was Austin Aries wearing his cape-shaped cape instead of that round one that looks like he tied a bathmat around his neck.
To give the match a proper review, here’s regular Impact columnist Danielle Matheson’s mom. No, really.
Guest Review: My Mom
As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, Brandon has taken over the Best and Worst for this week, leaving me to take a much-needed break to do things like write the NXT report, or spend some time at my folks. Yesterday, after putting my eight year old brother to bed, my mom consented to watching the last twenty minutes of Impact. I don’t know if she just forgot all of the times I’ve complained about it, or if she just had a genuine curiosity about what I write about each week, but we watched the main event, and it was…well, definitely like watching a main event with your mother.
On Bobby Lashley: “Did something happen to his head? Does he always make that face?”
On Eric Young: “He punches like a baby.” “Fake punch! Fake punch! Fake Punch!” “Oh, that doesn’t even look believable, he’s just holding his legs for him.” “Why is he punching that guy you said is British! We’re practically sister countries. They should stick together.” (Apparently I have my mother’s nose, and also her opinions on Eric Young’s wrestling))
On Magnus and Bobby Roode: “Which is the British guy? You can’t even tell them apart. Why do so many people look the same?”
On James Storm: “Ew, why does his hair look like that?” “Oh my god, look at his chest! Does he have implants? Boys can get chest implants. He did, right?” “I don’t even know how that guy can hold him by his hair, it’s just too greasy. He needs to wash his hair.”
On Austin Aries: “Why does he run like that?” “Does he have some little person in him?”
On Gunner: Nothing. She didn’t even notice him.
The best part, however, was seeing EC3 in the Shop TNA commercial. I pointed him out and said I was sad that she missed him, because he’s pretty much the best thing about the show. This lead to creeping through his Instagram, calling him “A well-built boy,” making a face that mothers shouldn’t make in front of their kids at his lats, and this amazing Twitter conversation she wanted me to continue but I refused because mom, no.
I am super not kidding when I say moms love EC3.
Maybe I should get her to fill in for me on Monday nights.