Unintentional Best: Hulk Hogan Is So Full Of Shit
Before we begin, I need to sorta put this Raw into context. It was bad. See you next week, everybody!
Seriously though, the non-wrestling stuff on Raw was better than the matches, and the non-wrestling stuff was only good in how hilariously not good it was. Like, I might forget a random good Usos tag after a few months, but I’m going to remember the Bella Twins segment for the rest of my life. That’s the situation we’re in. Understanding that, Raw had a few moments of blistering unintentional comedy, the first being Hulk Hogan assertively explaining to Shawn Michaels that when it’s time to retire, you’ll know it’s time.
Yes, Hulk Hogan said this to Shawn Michaels. The guy who is at least 15 years past his expiration date and can’t stop telling everyone who’ll listen that he wants “one more match” despite having a decade of One More Matches and nostalgia runs is telling the guy who went out on top fighting the Undertaker at WrestleMania that wrestlers “know” when they should retire. Shawn Michaels, the guy who retired prematurely and came back arguably better than ever, only to retire again at the peak of his artistic successes so he could go to church and hunt stuff for fun. That guy, telling that guy. While RIC FLAIR sits just off-screen, still probably angling for one more match of his own, and still too drunk to remember the Miz.
You’re the worst, Hogan. Bonus points lost for nobody bringing up that Shawn Michaels thinks John Cena doesn’t have a chance because he’s Triple H’s best friend, a point that was super, super important during the whole “Daniel Bryan doesn’t deserve to be champion” stuff.
Worst: Let Me Tell You Something, Old Jacks
The point of the Hall of Fame panel was to have John Cena interrupt them, say he’s going to Overcome The Odds and Beat Brock Lesnar’s Ass at Night Of Champions, then leave. At this point they SHUT DOWN THE HALL OF FAME PANEL, because I guess Cena wrapped it up for them and they had nothing else to say.
What was the point of that, though, honestly? Couldn’t they have done that in the pre-show or something? It’s not especially rare to see Michaels, Hogan or Flair these days, even in the same ring. Remember Hogan’s birthday party? Maybe if Cena had shown up all calm and then went into a furious rage and Attitude Adjusted all of them through the table, then we got a HOT ANGLE. Instead, it’s just legendary guys with nothing to do, reading Alex Riley’s script until Cena shows up to cut the two-minute version of his most generic 8-minute promo. Okay.
This has to be a build to Cena getting crushed again, and Cena having to realize his own mortality. It’s so by-the-numbers. They get literally nothing out of Cena overcoming the odds and being champion again immediately, right?
Best: A Boring Match With A Good Point
Like most of the matches on the show (read: all of them), Rusev vs. Jack Swagger was boring. Unlike most of the other matches, though, Swagger and Rusev had a point: Rusev is the baby version of Brock Lesnar, a guy who doesn’t even have to pin you, he can just beat you to death to win the match; and Jack Swagger as a passionate babyface with more guts than brains. Neither of those really came across with any heat because, like I said, super boring, but it’s there if you look for it.
Remember when Rusev beat Swagger by count-out, and the announce team forgot and said Swagger tapped out to the Accolade? This almost felt like a do-over of that. Swagger’s ribs are injured and he won’t give up, screaming WE THE PEOPLE in Rusev’s face while he gets his innards crushed. Rusev just stomps and stomps and stomps him until the referee stops the match. In 1979, this would’ve been MONEY. In 2014, people care less about nobility and passion and country and more about hitting their cues, so an arena full of Americans who should’ve been screaming and booing were checking their phones and waiting for the part when they could say “we the people.”
Not to entirely blame it on the audience, though. We’ve seen Rusev vs. Swagger too many times in a row, so really whatever they do’s gonna feel like chapter 12 of a 30-chapter book. But yeah, it’s there if you want it.
Best: Bo Dallas Will Not Shut Up About How Sad Of An American He Is
I know they’ve got to stop doing Swagger vs. Rusev at some point and have to transition Swagger into other, non-flag-based avenues, but man, the Swagger/Dallas beef HAS to end with one of them going Full Soviet. You’ve got two options:
1. Swagger realizes that he IS a disappointment to his nation, banishes himself from the country he loves so dearly and starts wrestling in a black singlet with a hammer and sickle on the stomach. Starts hitting people with a chain. Maybe wrestles a bear? I don’t know, but the more I type the more I want this to happen.
2. Bo Dallas dressing like Red Star from G.I. Joe, talking about how he’s a “Bo-shevik.”
I’m very happy that they’ve suddenly remembered Cesaro exists and should be good at wrestling. He had that great groundswell of support heading into WrestleMania, won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, got a cool nickname based around his way-too-over signature move, threw in with Paul Heyman and started wearing a tight white jacket that made him look like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story whenever he walked. Then Brock Lesnar showed up and WWE mixed up their “Cesaro” and “Kofi Kingston” files. Cesaro started losing to everyone (including Kofi Kingston, which further supports my theory), and his explanations for why he was suddenly horrible and not doing any of the cool stuff he’d started doing was, “it’s fine, shut up about it.”
Cesaro’s at least started beating the lower-tier guys again recently, and got a strong victory over Rob Van Dam last night. That’s good. He’s beaten Rob Van Dam like eight times this week, but that’s how they do things now. He even got to continue his cool belt-tossing antics from Main Event by scooping up the United States Championship, looking at it for a few seconds and throwing it in Sheamus’s face like an asshole. This is the Cesaro we want … a guy who can dismantle you in the ring so tremendously that it ruins his ability to be a decent human being.
We’ve still never gotten the truly great Sheamus vs. Cesaro pay-per-view match, either, so that’d be exciting. If you’re gonna have a United States Championship, you might as well give it to a notably pro- or anti-American guy. Rusev probably should’ve been U.S. Champion three months ago.