Best: This No Give Up Bullshit
I watched this entire video with a smile on my face. Ear to ear.
These pre-taped Lesnar promos are exceptional, and wrestling needs more of them. We got convinced at some point that everything should happen live, with the guy standing in the middle of a ring having to address four sides at once and roll with whatever happens. There’s a great talent to that, but unless you’ve got something that needs to pop a crowd and get them INSTANTLY involved in what’s happening, what’s the point? Take your time. Get it right. If you’re gonna write it, write it with intent. Give us soundbites to remember in a controlled environment. Otherwise you’re just pandering to a bunch of people who don’t even really know what’s going on, they’re just playing along with whatever they’ve seen on TV and can remember. You’re an episodic TV show. The stuff that happens in the ring is your live stuff. Up the production value of everything else and try a little harder. It pays off when you do.
Also, if this isn’t the beginning of some kind of “end” for John Cena, whether it’s a character adjustment or simply a compelling storyline about him NOT getting everything he wants for once, it’s never going to happen. If a legitimate fighter who is giant and supernaturally strong beats the Undertaker at WrestleMania, squashes John Cena at SummerSlam to become champion and has the greatest talker in the history of wrestling filling in the blanks can’t stop the “overcome the odds” guy, what’s the point of having odds at all? This is the end. The Big Bad. The boss at the end of the game. You’ve built this character so impossibly in 2014 that a cheesy rematch loss at Night Of Goddamn Champions of all shows is going to be the worst moment and biggest missed opportunity you’ve had at LEAST this decade. What’s the point of anything you’re doing if you don’t roll with the one believable thing you’ve built?
The unstoppable Lesnar story has to end at WrestleMania. That’s the world you’ve created. If Cena beats him there, fine, whatever. It’s not the call I’d make, but it’s the place where a thing like that has to happen. If it’s Bryan or Reigns or the f*cking Rock, who cares? It’s WrestleMania. That’s where the immovable object gets moved by the irresistible force. Know when to play your cards. I am okay with eight more months of Lesnar saying “piss” and “bullshit” in promos.
Best: Heath Slater Doing Titus O’Neil’s Dog Barks
The Los Matadores vs. Slater Gator match was honestly pretty crummy, but there were two highlights:
1. El Torito selling moves as they happen to Los Matadores, because he’s better than both of them combined, and
2. Heath Slater doing various dog barks in support of Titus O’Neil.
A supplementary Best for at least Heath Slater remembering his blood feud with Los Matadores. If Hornswoggle’s gonna dress up like a sassy cow and pal around with them, at least the One Man Rock Band’s keeping that darkness in his heart forever.
Unintentional Best #2: A Womb With A View
“If that’s what you full I’m sorry.” – Brie Bella
I LOVED THIS, YOU GUYS. The Bella Twins might be the worst actors in WWE history, and you’ve got them here saying the most extreme “I hate my sister” content you can write, doing this big sweeping gestures and trying (and failing) to cry on cue. Jerry Lawler is for some reason mediating a reconciliation between two models who can’t say “hello” convincingly, much less “I wish you’d died in the womb.”
- BRIE BELLA’S CRY FACE. I don’t know what she’s even TRYING to do. Nikki keeps rambling on and on with these vaguely horrible things like “MY SISTER STOLE ALL MY BOYFRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL” and “BRIE EATS GRANOLA AND I THINK GRANOLA SUCKS,” and every time she pauses, as if “What” chanting, Brie says something like NO YOU’RE LYING or STOP IT. She’s a de-handed Luke Skywalker, hanging off an equipment extension in Cloud City, finding out about his dad.
- All that “dead in the womb” talk is amazing. I love that Nikki Bella would get so dark with it, especially since the Bellas have effectively been a single person since they debuted in WWE. They’re “The Bella Twins.” They have the same music, the same taunts, the same colors. They share a joint Twitter account. Their existence was based around them being so identical they could change places and cheat to win wrestling matches. Now suddenly Brie’s been an angel for 30 years and Nikki’s been The Little Match Stick Girl.
- Nikki yelling STAY OUT OF IT OLD MAN at Lawler got a face pop from the audience and me. When he got sad-faced and walked toward the ropes I was hoping he’d turn back and say, “Hey Nikki … I’ll THINK ABOUT IT.”
- The fight was great, too. Nikki was full Boss Heel here, throwing Brie around by the hair, punching her in the side of the head and bashing her with the microphone. I’m telling you, this was a great, great segment totally ruined by WWE’s faith in their top superstars’ girlfriends, and if you’d cast two women with even a basic understanding of stage fighting and public speaking you’d have gotten a melodramatic masterpiece. Instead, you’ve got Nikki saying “in the WOMB” like Brie says “I’ll see you in COURT” and it’s funny and memorable for all the wrong reasons.
Next week, Brie should be backstage at catering somberly eating Veganic Sprouted Brown Rice Crisps only for Nikki to burst in, attack her with a stool and tell her she wishes she’d eaten her in the womb.
Best: The Backstage Fallout Is Even Funnier
Jump to the 0:55 mark. Eden’s back there all BRIE, BRIE, CAN YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED and her response is, and I quote:
“Ehh, ehh, eeeeeEEE.”
Best: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought About The Bella Twins Confrontation