Worst: Hey Look, It’s The Raw Announce Team
Here are your guides for the early days of Nitro:
Eric Bischoff – Ignoring who he was in the front office, Announce Team Eric Bischoff had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about ever, but was very good at taking direction and making things sound exciting. If a guy moved his leg during a match, Bischoff (who was super into martial arts at the time) would call it a “jump spinning back kick.” He is Michael Cole, only instead of Vince McMahon yelling in his ear about what to say, it’s a second Michael Cole.
Bobby Heenan – A legendary heel who is tired of this shit. Jerry Lawler. The only difference is that Lawler’s version of giving up is “mailing it in,” and Bobby’s is “get as drunk as possible and complain.”
Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael – Tell me you can’t hear Mongo calling Eric Bischoff “Maggle.”
Read this sentence and commit it to memory: “I’m upset that the announce team is talking about Hulk Hogan and what’s supposed to happen in the main event instead of calling the match.” There, I just saved you seven years of commentary about the Nitro announce team.
Best: Alex Wright Vs. Sabu
The first match of the vintage Best and Worst of Nitro report and it’s one I’ve never forgotten: the homicidal, suicidal, genocidal Sabu against a man the Internet once knew affectionately as “Das Wunder-package,” Alex Wright. Hey man, here’s Alex Wright, the German.
One of the underrated reasons why WCW succeeded in the mid-90s is because it created a “world” of wrestling. Modern WWE likes to hire people from different countries and sorta homogenize them into a “WWE Style” … so you’ll have Sheamus from Ireland, Alberto Del Rio from Mexico, Yoshi Tatsu from Japan, Cesaro from Switzerland, and they’re all basically the same. They have signature moves or whatever and one might kick more than the others (the Japanese guy), but they’re all wrestling the same style. WCW brought in EVERY kind of wrestling from EVERYWHERE, ALL AT ONCE. You’d have a pack of luchadors doing crazy flips to the outside followed by Fit Finlay and Lord Steven Regal tearing it up with a stiff, catch-as-catch-can style. You’d have Kensuke Sasaki chopping and suplexing people followed by guys like Liger or Lionheart Chris Jericho wrestling a junior heavyweight style. People from different places felt different, and that’s one of the things I miss most about this whole affair.
So yeah, the first match of this episode is ECW Prime Sabu against a tall, lanky German guy who was kinda brought in to be the new Marcus Alexander Bagwell. Alex Wright was always an underrated worker, but he was also mayo on f*cking whitebread. He could jump, lord could he jump, but he never really developed a personality beyond one really easy-to-do club dance. He’d do a German suplex because he’s German. He would’ve fit in brilliantly with WWE in the mid-2000s when they were focusing on tall, hairless, muscular guys who didn’t do anything more dangerous than a clothesline. And here he is taking on GODDAMN SABU, who is already springboarding backwards into a FLYING NOTHING 40 seconds in.
Sabu wins the match but decides to put Alex Wright through a table for no reason, causing the referee to reverse his decision. This has always been super hilarious to me, because it’s right before the whole ECW “hardcore” vibe caught on nationally, and poor Alex Wright must’ve been like OH GOD WHAT’S HE DOING TO ME WHY AM I LYING ON FURNITURE. Sabu’s in a throwaway match at the beginning of a Nitro with no feud to speak of, and is just F*CK IT, GERMAN’S DYING. Love it.
Best: Ric Flair
Flair is feuding with Arn Anderson here because Arn would rather call his wife and child than hang out with Ric Flair. Note: Flair is 100% in the right. “The Total Package” Lex Luger shows up, and Flair keeps calling him “Package.” I’m assuming that’s on purpose. I wish they would’ve made Luger’s nickname “Dick Bulge.” “Dick Bulge” Lex Luger. TELL ‘EM HOW YOU’RE FEELIN’, DICK BULGE.
A supplementary worst for Bobby Heenan not maintaining his intense gay obsession with Luger.
Worst: VK Wallstreet
One of the big “gets” for the first episode of Nitro was Mike Rotunda, aka WWF’s Irwin R. Schyster. He announced on episode 1 that he wanted to be “where the big boys play.” I wish episode two had featured a vignette of Rotunda on a swingset. “Big boys take turns!”
Anyway, Rotunda’s new name is V.K. WALLSTREET, because Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s first two initials are V and K and wrestling promotions in the 90s were all about the snide in-jokes. Virgil was named “Virgil” because that was Dusty Rhodes’ shoot name, and when Virgil landed in WCW he became “Vincent.” Get it? Bischoff beats us over the head with it by saying, “what’s with this V.K. stuff, huh?” for the guy’s entire entrance. V.K. Wallstreet is the most low-rent Million Dollar Man of all time, and I’ll let this exchange from the announce team put it into perspective:
Heenan: “I wonder how things are going today at the market!”
Mongo: “What market? THE SUPERMARKET??”