Welcome to the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, your #1 resource for finding out what happens on Friday’s wrestling show and the least-read column on the Internet. Is it because people don’t know what “assumptive” means? Maybe I should I have called it “These Smackdown Spoilers Broke My Heart, Then Gave Me Hope. #7 Was My Favorite.”
Anyway, we take the reported Smackdown spoilers from copy-pasta Graps Newz sites and misinterpret them so you don’t have to. It’s like Raw, only blue and nobody’s watching.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. The Usos, Mark Henry and Big Show defeated Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, Goldust and Stardust. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense. If you’re a bad guy, you’re friends with all the other bad guys. I’m sure Goldust was drinking his morning coffee or whatever and thought, “you know, I’m a good person who has an issue with this one specific tag team because I want the tag titles. You know who I should be friends with? The cultist swamp-hillbillies who might be led by The Devil.”
Note: I would love this match if
(a) Goldust and Stardust wrestled in jeans and tank tops that look like they’ve been in the trunk of somebody’s car for six years, or
(b) The Wyatt Family decided glittery gold face paint was in their style guide.
2. Bo Dallas defeated Justin Gabriel. To kill a werewolf, you shoot them with a silver Bo-llet.
3. Paige defeated Summer Rae. Paige won with AJ’s Black Widow submission. Layla was at ringside, so there’s a 40% chance that Fandango interfered and was the one who actually tapped to the submission, because he was mean to them once several months ago.
4. Mark Henry defeated Rusev. Don’t get excited, it was in an “international arm-wrestling contest.” I assume it’s just this, word-for-word:
5. Dolph Ziggler and R-Truth defeated The Miz and Damien Mizdow. The curse of the Intercontinental Championship continues. “Good news, Dolph! We’re giving you a belt. No, not that one, the white one. Oh and you’re gonna be tagging with R-Truth in matches against The Miz. SEE YOU NEVER.” I really hope they continue their Fappening angle and have Dolph suddenly say he’s taken down all the leaked Miz photos because ETHICS, but actually because the money’s started drying up.
6. Roman Reigns and Chris Jericho defeated Seth Rollins and Randy Orton. Dean Ambrose was the scourge of Seth Rollins’ life, keeping him from accomplishing any of his goals, so Seth had to assault him with cinderblocks and take him out of action. Note: when Ambrose was around, Rollins won all his matches, won Money in the Bank and was close to cashing in on the champion several times. Since Ambrose’s injury, Rollins has lost all his matches, been emasculated by John Cena with an Attitude Adjustment on the announce table and only won on Raw because of outside interference unrelated to his stories. Uh, maybe Seth should send Dean a care package?
That’s the show.
Please share these spoilers with everyone you know, so that Friday night will be FRIENDLY AND COOL and not a bunch of people sitting at home watching wrestling.
